It’s HALLOWEEN, bitches!
And there’s nothing scarier than real trauma, real blood and real self surgery. That right, kids. What did I do? Well, I considered ritual murder or satanic worship but instead I slammed my finger in the front door. Man that smarts! Stop laughing.
It wasn’t a big deal. You know. I’m tough. I’m like Johnson & Johnson Baby’s Wash – no tears.
Then 9:00pm rolled around and the slow, throbbing pain that started in my finger was now radiating through my right arm. It felt like a reverse heart attack – i.e., you get a throbbing pain up your left arm. Come on people. Don’t you watch Grey’s Anatomy? You do? Then you should stop.
Megan looked up the symptoms on WebMD – which I might add I hate when she does that. Megan is a very level headed girl but get her on WebMD and she becomes an Insta-Hypocondriac. Once she thought she had Progeria. It was just a headache.
Anyway, all signs pointed to this response,
“Um, I don’t think you want to do this.”
“You have to let out the blood.”
“I gotta use the phone.”
Who did I call? No, I didn’t call ghostbusters. It’s Halloween, silly. They’re busy. I called this guy.
DR. DEAN TAMISIEA – Megan’s new father in law. He;s also a retired doctor. So he should be able to help . . . .
“Tim, you have to poke a hole in your fingernail and let out the blood.”
Jesus Christ! Really? I was expecting the ‘ol “Advil” answer. So this is the procedure.
1) Find a paperclip.
2) Heat said paperclip till it’s red hot. (I did it over the stove.)
3) Poke paperclip over affected area of nail (where the blood is).
4) Apply moderate pressure (You don’t want to poke through your finger, my dad said.)
5) Squeeze blood out . . .
Easier said than done. Ask Megan, she exclaimed something I can’t repeat here and then ran out of the kitchen. And all I’d done at the point was grab a paperclip. (What she said was one of the funnest things I’ve ever heard, so I need her permission to write it here.)
Here’s where the problems came up. First, you have NO time to prepare yourself for the poke. Once that metal rod is red hot, you have seconds to thrust it into your fingernail because it cools very quickly once out of the fire. Secondly, it stings like all get out because you really do hit the skin underneath. Third, it smells like burning hair. Gross.
And finally, and this is the big one . . .
THE PAPERCLIP I GOT WAS TOO BIG IN DIAMETER! So I was leaving a huge hole in my fingernail and cauterizing the it at the same time – effectively poking my skin and causing horrible pain.
So I called Dad and asked if I could use a safety pin. He said it may be too small. Tough cookies, Dad. I;ve got one out. SO, me being the ambidextrous goy I am, I stayed on the phone and performed my home surgery . . . 3 times. 3 holes. 3 blood lettings. The first time I yelled, “Fuck!” To my Dad. He laughed and said, “Yeah, it;s gonna sting.” Thanks, Dad. But it did work. All three times blood was released and the relief was instant.
So, for Halloween I got to conduct my own horror story. And I have the scars to prove it: