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34/365 – Tammer the Hammer! Part 1. SOCIAL POWER LIFTING

Guess who’s coming to Chicago?  I’ll give you a hint.  He’s got lots of muscles and his name starts with “T” and ends with “ammer the Hammer.”  Don’t know who that is?  It’s this guy:

Roarrrrr . . .sexy.

Who’s this guy.  It’s my youngest brother, Sean.  Yes, Sean, the butt of every one of Patrick’s jokes.  Yes, Sean, the kid who spend hours in the shower shaving his body.  Yes, Sean . . . rock climbing and . . . CARBO LOADING!  He’s like a member of the Jersey Shore cast if you took away the fake tanning, hair gel, douche baggery, lack of basic high school knowledge, tank tops, STDs . . . . he’s nothing like a Jersey Shore kid – he’s got moire class and sincerity.  But there was a time . . .

Aww, man, I knew these guys weren’t real.

Before we get into that, let me say it’s exciting to have Sean in Chicago because he missed last year’s festivities.  When I proposed to Megan almost 13 months ago, Sean couldn’t make the trip.  He had to study for his college finals.  This probably involved eating a lot of protein and screamed at pictures of Mario Lopez. Unfortunately, he wasn’t there to witness the unveiling of our engagement.  So, he’s seeing our apartment for the first time.

This guy studied soooo hard. He’s totally graduating.

Sean’s a fine brother and brother-in-law and a great brother.  However, the fact of the matter is, beyond his relation to Megan and I, Tammer the Hammer is somewhat a legend in Chicago.  He’s known for his sincerity, his strength and his easy going manner . . . but mostly, he’s known for this personal that he built up while he was in college.  A persona that had a ring of truth to it, but also made him a myth.  In celebration of all that is Sean Tamisiea: aka Tammer the Hammer, let’s examine the events that led to the making of a legend.

Myspace Woes

No joke here. It’s just too sad.

Back in the early 2000s, we all had a MySpace page.  Admit it.  Before Facebook relieved us of typing in code to change your profile, and after Friendster made us realize that connecting to friends without connecting to friends was just a disconnected click away, there was MySpace.  An annoying little social networking site where we all had to listen to some awful music while trolling our “friends” sites.  I can’t count how many times I heard some awful Creed song or The Wells Fargo Wagon song from the Music Man blasting through my speakers before I could look at a post.

Those heads aren’t bobbing. They’re falling off. It’s just to much.

Sean was in his early 20s and a rather amiliable young man just trying to make his way through the world.  He, like many of us, jumped on that MySpace train.  And like many of us, we all left our baggage on that train and hopped the Facebook plane.  And now, that baggage is still ridin’ that train where everyone can rifle through it.  Today, MySpace is like a snapshot of an era in our lives that the whole damn world can view.  Because for some reason, many of us just won’t cancel our accounts.  And while MySpace has changed it’s look, essentially voiding out some of the particulars of any given site, there are reminders of that over zealous youth listening to Hollaback Girl.  Here are some remainders of Tammer the Hammer’s MySpace page:

My Whisky Poem

I drink the finest of finest of that southern whisky shit Jim Beam, Jack Daniels and that is it. No beer diet coke a shot or two triple pulls and then I’m threw. Now I’m little crunked no I’m just fucked up should be locked up, boxed up, probably shot up. But its all good because I’m feeling no steam because I’m on top of the world as if I was a king.

– Tammer The Hammer

And thus began the legend of Tammer the Hammer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sean was going to go tour with MC Hammer. It was going to be called Hammer and Hammer, The Hammer Tour. Featuring the hit song Screwdriver.

In high school, my older brother Chris and I were named Little Tamer and Tamer respectively.  (As in lion tamer).  When Patrick and Sean got to high school, it somehow morphed into Tammer (the “a” pronounced like hat).  Then, when Sean was old enough to buy whiskey but young enough to think Dane Cook would always be popular, he added the moniker Hammer to the end of it and the legend was born.  He became a caricature of the real man, but it was, at the time, what Sean wanted projected to the world.  He came off as the weird mix between a frat guy and a motivational speaker.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He was doing shooters with his Bros in the back yard of the Kappa house. Wooooo!

 
Sean’s MySpace page had pictures of clovers and whiskey.  It had Dane Cook postings and was just . . . funny.  A lot of the girls posting on his page looked like Jersey Shore girls before that was actually popular.  Maybe Sean was ahead of the curve – who knows.   This post kinda says it all (I’ve kept all spelling intact.):

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tammers Quotes (chew on them its delicious)

1. I’m Irish Bitch
2. I swear I bleed green
3. God made alcohol so the Irish wouldn’t take over the world
4. Its hot in hear. I’m sorry I’ll leave
5. I’m going to hell who’s coming with me
6. You only live once
7. Be Safe. Don’t do anything I would
8. Someone shit on the coats
9. Some body scream
10. Its Delicious
11. I will fucking kill you (little harsh)
12. 160lbs of twisted steel and sex appeal
13. This player don’t play
14. That’s sick
15. yes yes yes yeeeeeeeeeees Y.E.S. yes
16. CHING CHANG CHONG I can’t understand you
17. We have no food, we have no jobs, are pets heads are falling off
18. I got hit by a truck ooooo wait that’s the Jack Daniels talking
19. Beer taste like warm piss and cold vomit (yeah I have tasted both so I know) JK
20. Its crazy, its insane, hey its Tammer
21. My dick feels like corn you want some butter baby you want some butter
22. I don’t mean to brag but I love to boast
23. It aint bragging if you can back it up
24. I will never break I will never bend
25. Hey, lets just DANCE
26. We have relationships and then we have relationshits
27. Halla halla halla halla halla
28. Stinky pussy, Funky sack
29. Hey you and me and me and you. lets do this will have fun
30. Whats up brother
31. Hey shit happens but when it happens to me I just take the shit and throw it at a fan and let other people deal with it.
32. Boys night out just Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, and I (thats sad)
33. Know your role and shut your mouth
34. That’s the bottom line bec. I said so
35. You are so money
36. Your the bear and shes that rabbit. Tear her apart
37. Best part of believing a lie is not knowing it’s a lie
38. Beautful babies, baby
39. Hey, you might know my dad his pretty famous his name is Zeus.
40. The guy from the game opertation has no pee-pee
41. Dont invite a midget over for dinner (thanks Mr. Morgan and Mr. Beam)
42. Go fuck yourself (thanks unknown my space member)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

43. “Butt Sex is WILD and Creates No CHILD!” (thanks StevO)

– This quotes were taken from Sean Tamisiea, Dane Cook, The Rock, Sone Cold, and certain movies

Listen Sean was young and he’s grown into an unbelievable young man.  He was just having fun and living the typical college life at the time.  But the problem that Sean had that other MySpacers didn’t was called Patrick Tamisiea.

Uh oh here he comes. Watch out boys he’ll chew you up . . . or just stalk you on MySpace under an assumed name.

Patrick was at work and decided to take a gander at Sean’s brand new MySpace page.  Cue explosions.  First, Patrick sent the link to everyone.  I mean, everyone.  I’ll admit it.  I, too, sent the link to all my friends.   But Patrick went one step further. . . he always does.

Sometimes this is also Pat going too far.

Patrick created a fake MySpace profile and trolled Tammer the Hammer’s site.  He relentlessly wrote on his page some of the most funny/degrading posts ever.  All within an afternoon.  Sean called phoned us both, “Dude, some ass hole’s on my MySpace profile making fun of me.  He’s being a total dick.  What’s up with that?”  I remember Pat trying to hold back laughter.  “Pat, Man, do you know anything about this?”  “No, that’s not cool,” Pat said as he wrote another awful comment on Sean’s page.  “Damnit, he just wrote another one.”  Patrick started to lose it and that’s when Sean made the discovery, “You’re a dick, man!”

Did Sean change his site?  Nope.  He made it even better – that’s the real Sean.  He’s independent and doesn’t care what others think.  And so our efforts to incriminate him backfired.  Sean instantly became a legend in Chicago.  He only had to make an appearance.  However, if he didn’t live up to his online profile, would Chicago accept Tammer the Hammer into their hearts? . . .

To Be Continued in

Tammer the Hammer! Part 2: THE PARRY

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