© 2011 Timmy Tamisiea. All rights reserved. We will miss you, Hammer.

46/356 – Tammer the Hammer! Part 3. Best Brother

To read Part 2, Click Here.

What’s better than Tammer the Hammer?  How about Tammer the Hammer playing Tammer the Hammer on stage . . . and blatantly making fun of the image he’s become.

Criso shortening and Axe Body Spray present the conclusion of:

Tammer the Hammer!

Part 3. Best Brother

Sean’s gonna titty twist you, sucka!

4 years after the Parry incident.  January 2010.  Patrick and I are writing a script  for the 2010 Chicago Sketch Comedy Festival  Our sketch group, We Have An Uncle Dick, had performed twice for this fest – what’s We Have an Uncle Dick?  Really?  Come on – it’s only the best sketch comedy group performed, written  and produced by two brothers who are named Patrick and Timmy.

Well, we were the 2nd greatest after these guys changed their name. They were called Timmy Cheech and Patrick Chong. Never really had a ring to it.

Our goal; to top the last two Sketchfest performances while keeping the Unlce Dick formula.  If you’ve never seen an Uncle Dick show, it usually follows this pattern.

A) Video Intro

B) Opener – where Pat and I play ourselves and introduce a scenario that will play throughout the show.

C) 3-4 Sketches

D) Mid-Through – where Pat heighten the scenario.

E) 3-4 Sketches

F) Closer – Pat and I conclude the scenario, thus, concluding the show.

Also, in almost every show we’ve put on, we’ve brought on a comedian to play the role of Ray Liotta.  The comedian looks nothing like him, but we never call that out.

Ray Liotta doesn’t look like Ray Liotta anymore.

Being brothers, our shows usually play off our familial relationship.  You know, brothers, enemies, confidants, lovers . . . I think our director, Sean Cusick, described the comedy as “dreaming you slept with your brother . . . and not waking up.”   In short, Pat gets naked a lot.  If we’re going to succeed in topping the previous shows, we need an extra element.  We need another Tamisiea.  After all, 3 Tamisieas are better than 2 . . . it’s a matter of perspective.

Our first attempt at a show poster. Because we are number 2!

We considered having our brother Chris play himself, in the audience, while we fighting over who was going to adopt him – Pat and Nick D’Agosto or Rich Sommers and myself.  Unfortunately, neither of these actors were available (we do know these guys – aren’t we fancy!)  Then it struck us – we have a legacy – no, a legend – with a built in Chicago mythos that will sell the show; Tammer the Hammer.

With that, the We Have An Uncle Dick 2010 Chicago Sketchfest show pretty much wrote itself.  The mythos that is Tammer the Hammer made everything fall into place.  By this time, Sean had gotten over that image he wanted to project through his MySapce page . . . and decided Facebook would be a stronger outlet for that projection . . . nah, Sean had really grown into a mature and stable young man.  Tammer the Hammer was just a memory.  He was now a young man who was aware of this image he had created for himself.  Because of that self-awareness, Sean was ready to make fun of himself . . . and Patrick and I were more than willing to help him do it.

We’re always willing to point and laugh at other. Always.

I think the last two installments of Tammer the Hammer have given you an accurate description of Tammer.  Accurate enough to understand why we would include him in this show.  But, seeing that the conclusion of the story includes my writing partner and brother, Patrick Tamisiea, I thought he could give you another perspective on why Tammer the Hammer must be made fun of in an Uncle Dick show.

Ladies and gentlemen, Patrick Tamisiea

Patrick Tamisiea. Thinker. Believer. Wonderer. Farting.

Sean Tamisiea has many names:  Sean ‘Hyena’ Tamisiea, Sean Michael Snicklemyer Tamisiea, Sean ‘Steroid’ Tamisiea, Darth Roid, Psycho, Steroids, Will Smith, Whiskey Abuse, Freakshow, Mr. Boombastic, ‘lil Pickle, Ol’ Chamber Pot Tamisiea, Twat Buster, GNC, The Cardiovascular Sansei, James Spader, Number 5 Son…the list goes on.  But to many he’s know simply as Tammer the Hammer. This name (given to himself by himself) gives description to the side of Sean that will break your neck and leave you in a puddle of blood and self-induced vomit (from Sean’s bulimic days). Sean is a workout queen.  A paradigm of explosive muscle formations and skin-protruding veins.

Remember that scene in the movie Twins where Julius Benedict (Arnold Schwarzenegger) and Vincent (Danny DeVito) are in the convenient store and Julius innocently takes his shirt off, revealing his mountainous muscle lumps.  Vincent describes Julius’ back as North Dakota.  That’s Sean.  A skin and muscle layout of North Dakota.  Bottom line: don’t fuck with North Dakota ’cause North Dakota don’t take shit from no one.  Oh, and he’s nice too. That’s Sean’s sensitive, non-muscluar side.  He’s so nice that he hates bullies.  If Sean could, he would go all North Dakota on bullies and then he would lovingly place his hands on the shoulder of the one being bullied  and say, “Hey, it gets better.”   That is the enigma that is Tammer the Hammer.

– Patrick Tamisiea

(NOTE: We also call Sean “Baby Gap” because he wears such small t-shirts.)

We didn’t want to blow this load too quick in the show.  Tammer the Hammer had to be introduced slowly – like a strip tease as opposed to a XXX porn.  Even though many, many women would love to see the glory that a naked, rippled Tammer the Hammer has to offer.  Good things come to those who wait.  Therefore, we devised the following structure and premise: The Best Brother Pageant.  Patrick and I compete for the best brother pageant against each other and a dark horse who is late to the festivities.  The show is hosted by Ray Liotta – adeptly played by Drew Korb.  This dark horse is referred to subtly throughout the show, until the very last scene . . .

When Sean arrived in Chicago, he was a ball of nerves.  Really, I’ve never seen him like that.  It was cute.  He really wanted to do us proud.  Which is funny, because he wanted to make Patrick and I proud in our show – a show where Pat wears a thong and gyrates in my face.  A show where Pat wears a one piece  woman’s swim suit and walks a runway.  A show where Pat and I almost kiss.  Trust us, Tammer, you’ll be fine.

Because Patrick lives in LA and Sean in Omaha, we can only rehearse for two days before the show.  That involves a fair amount of tension for the group. However, whenever Sean rehearses his part, he’s hilarious.  Absolutely hilarious.  He could quite possibly steal the show.  And, for the record, Sean has never performed on stage.

Except for this. Those are both Sean. Sean from the past and Sean in the present. Sean!

The day of the show, we are all waiting in the dressing room back stage: Sean, myself, Drew and Tammer the Hammer.  Drew is amazed by Sean’s muscles.  Pat and I are amazed at his jitters.  He would sit and whisper all his lines to himself interrupted by intermittent pull up sessions under the stage doorway.  Awesome. Sean doesn’t enter the stage until the final scene, and Pat and will never be backstage.  So I can only imagine how many pull-ups Sean has done by the time he came on stage.

Taken from Uta Hagen’s “Respect for Acting.”

When Sean was ready for his first onstage performance, he was huge.  All those pre-game pushups!  The crowd was in an uproar – they loved it.  Here’s the visual: shirtless, bike shorts, bandana, ray bans, a backpack and baby oil everywhere.  EVERYWHERE.  It’s really hard to describe just how awesome this moment was. It encapsulated all that Tammer the Hmmer had become to Chicago coupled with the irony of Sean Tamisiea mocking Tammer the Hammer.  Instead of describing it, I’m going to give you the actual script:

(NOTE: Some of the humor is contextual in that in plays on earlier moments in the show.  As well, there was a lot of ad libbing that made it even funnier.  But, I think this gives you a good idea of how great this moment was.)

 

UNCLE DICK CLOSER CSCF 2009

By Timmy and Patrick Tamisiea

Ray Liotta enters the stage in his tux.

RAY LIOTTA:  Ladies and Gentlemen. My name is Ray Liotta. You might remember me from my appearance in a very special “Salute Your Shorts” where I played Budnick’s Alcoholic Pedophile uncle.  Well, tonight I am your host for the 433rd Best Brother Beauty Pageant. The next portion of tonight’s competition is the swimsuit competition. Gentlemen, show us your stuff.

Timmy and Patrick come out in swimsuits. Timmy is wearing trunks.  Patrick is wearing a one piece. They walk the stage but are fighting, trying to hide it form Ray

RAY LIOTTA: Well, don’t you both look fancy. Well, we’ve calculated the totals and now its time to pick our 723rd Best Brother Beauty.

PATRICK: What ever happened to the third contestant.

RAY LIOTTA: Guess he’s not coming.

SEAN TAMISIEA (O.S.): Like hell I’m not.

SEAN TAMISIEA enters the stage in a wrestling one-sy. He’s greased up in baby oil and wearing a wrestling guard.

SEAN TAMISIEA: Sorry I’m late. I was running here form Omaha Nebraska… On my hands! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

TIMMY: Oh Jesus Christ.

PATRICK: Okay, this is ridiculous. Everyone, this is our youngest brother, Sean Tamisiea –

SEAN TAMISIEA: You can call me Tammer The Hammer!

TIMMY: Shut up “Tammer the Hammer.” You retard.

PATRICK: Yeah. You not best brother material.

SEAN TAMISIEA: Like hell I’m not. I’m so the best brother. I like Jack Daniels and I’m so awesome and I wear Axe body spray mixed with Bod body spray (love that bod) and I like Jack Daniels.

PATRICK: Yeah. Exactly. You’re a douchebag. This is the same brother who used to eat 2 pizzas in one sitting.

TIMMY: We used to convince him to eat a whole box of animal crackers smothered in ketchup. And he would. Scumage!

Sean starts to get really mad.

PATRICK: Oh yeah. Remember how fat he used to be.

TIMMY: HE was a fucking fat ass.

PATRICK: We used to go out in the front yard, ring a bell and time how long it would take him to come outside.

TIMMY: Then we’d watch him get all mad because it wasn’t the ice cream man.

PATRICK: Yeah, what’s up ‘roid rage. Gonna do some latts?

TIMMY: How about some squats, you freak.

Timmy and Patrick start imitating Sean. Sean runs up and punches Timmy in the face. Blood spurts everywhere and he passes out.

PATRICK: Jesus Christ, Sean! I think you killed him. That’s not a best brother thing to do.

TIMMY: No, I’m okay.

Sean pulls out a gun and shoots Timmy.  He turns on the audience.

SEAN TAMISIEA: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Sit down. I still get to compete.

Sean makes Patrick sit in the audience.

SEAN TAMISIEA: If anyone leaves, I’ll kill them.

An AUDIENCE MEMBER stands to leave and Sean shoots them.

SEAN TAMISIEA: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

PATRICK: Oh my god!  Okay, Sean, We’ll listen. Just stop killing people.

RAY LIOTTA: Its okay, son. You can still do the talent portion. You do have a talent.

TIMMY: Other than shooting up steroids and drinking red bull and vodkas.

Sean kicks Timmy and he’s out again.

SEAN TAMISIEA: My talent is an interpretive dance on how much rage my brother Patrick has.

Sussido by Phil Collins starts playing again and Sean just walks up and down the stage the same way Patrick did in his talent [portion when he made fun of Timmy.  Except whenever the horns blast, Sean sprays himself with a can of Axe and a can of Bod body spray.

PATRICK: Stop the music, Matt. Sean, you can’t just do the same dance I did. First of all, it’s my talent. Second of all, now it reeks of your man spray and third, that’s nothing like me.

RAY LIOTTA: Speak for yourself, spaz.

PATRICK: What? This is bullshit. First you put Timmy in a coma and then you do my talent. You’re far from best brother.

TIMMY: No, seriously, I’m okay.

SEAN TAMISIEA: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Sean shoots Timmy and punches Pat out.

RAY LIOTTA: Well. I guess Sean Tamisiea wins by default.

Ray Liotta gives Sean a tiara and some flowers. Sean is crying and walking the stage waving to his fans.  Ray sings “Total Eclipse of the Heart” but only the word “turn.”  Patrick gets up and cradles Timmy’s body, trying to drag the corpse to the curtain.

PATRICK: Well, that’s our show.  We have an Uncle –

Sean kicks Pat in the face.

SEAN TAMISIEA: No! I have an Uncle Dick!

BLACK OUT.

 

And with that, Sean had, at the same time, cemented the Tammer the Hammer legend into the psyche of Chicago while, at the same time, separating himself form it by publicly parodying it.  It was a glorious show and Sean was definitely the star.  And that, my friends, is my brother, Sean Tamisiea, the artist formerly known as Tammer the Hammer.

We will miss you, Hammer.

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