© 2011 Timmy Tamisiea. All rights reserved. 1215368586084.jpg.[roflposters.com].myspace

52/365 – Jacob’s Bladder (Part 3 of 4)

It’s Tuesday morning.  Megan’s in the hospital.  I’m at home.  I slept about 4 hours.  Maybe 5.  Again.  And now it’s time to jet back to the hospital for Megan’s big day!  Surgery day!  Woo Hoo!

Megan’s Surgery Day! Everyone celebrates . . . actually, this is what Megan sees when she’s hopped up on pain killers.

I head straight for the hospital . . . I mean straight for the coffee shop at the hospital  I’m trying so hard to stay healthy and awake for Megan, but between work and trying to take care of Megan everyday feels like a siege just rolling out of bed.  Every cell in my body is mad at me.  I can hear them all calling me “asshole” in unison.  Tell that to my brain.  It’s keeping me up till 3:30-4:00am.  I think it’s mad at me too.

What? You want to go under the knife too? You jealous?

Need coffee.  It’s a self-serve counter.  Filing up.  Filing up.  Then this older African American woman next to me blurts out, “You look like a little boy!”

What!?

I stare at her.  I mean. I hate it when homeless men in Chicago call out to me, “You have any change,  young man,” or “Keep that smile, young man” or “Will you wipe my ass, young man?”  I always correct them.  I’m not a young man.  A young man is 18.  I’m much older.  When a stranger just verbally vomits, “You look like a little boy,” I’m left speechless and equally annoyed.  “A little boy?  I’m 35.”  She insists that my winter hat and coat make me look like a little boy.  I explain that maybe its because I shaved this morning, but that, alone, proves I’m a man.  Unless I’m some 6 year old with a severe hormone problem.  I think that if she’d said this at any other time and I would have been fine.  I probably would have had fun with her.  You know, called her an old hag, “Ha ha ha!  We’re having fun, right, witch hazel?”   But the fact that I have a sick wife I’m taking care of, balancing 3 jobs and school and trying to keep the apartment up — being called a little boy was more of an insult.

Oh, is that what I looked like? Well, my apologies, Witch Hazel. I am a young man.

Well, after convincing Witch Hazel that I, am, indeed, a man and even saying she looked my age (I’m such a flatterer) I got my coffee.  I get to Megan’s room and her roommate pooped her pants early this morning.  All is right with the world.  Oh, young woman.  No pooping your pants.  Should bring Witch Hazel up here and then really blow her mind.

Megan’s even got a new student nurse.  Her name is Abby and she’s very sweet.  Megan seems to like her.  She chats up Megan, keeps her company.  It’s quite adorable when she had to switch put Megan’s IV – she shakes uncontrollably because her teacher is right there watching her.  She blamed the caffeine.  Megan and I know she just wants to do a good job.  Unfortunately, she didn’t leave a good impression at first.  Megan tells her that she got her masters at Roosevelt in downtown Chicago.  Abby loves the new building that Roosevelt just built.  She says, “I love the new building Roosevelt built.  It makes Columbia look stupid.  Which makes me happy.”  Wait a minute . . . I go to Columbia.  Megan gives me a look that says, “Let it go.”  I’d like to say I “let it go” for Megan, but in all honesty, I was just too damn tired to say anything.  It’s all right Abby.  I just spent 5 years there.  No big deal.  Good luck at North Park University.  Stop shaking . . .

Now, does that come in a colostomy version?

Now, Megan told me to not mention this incident because she really liked Abby.  So, let me temper this first impression with the fact that in the end, Abby was a godsend.  She was kind and she took Megan on walks and visited with her often.  So, she made up for her comment.

11:00am.  Megan and I are taken to the recovery room.  “Recovery room,” you ask?  Yes.  Apparently it’s also a prep room.  Just a prep room with Megan, myself and a bunch of patients who just got out of their own surgeries.  You know, a “recovery room.”  So, we wait.  And wait.  Her parents wait in the Surgery waiting room.  We wait.  The doctor waits for his hole in one.  The earth waits for winter.  Winter waits for spring.  Wait and wait . . . . wait.

Andy Milonakis waits for an offer for “Waiting 3, Still More Waiting” to come to his door . . .

Suddenly, a nurse stops by and, with a thick Polish accent, asks Megan, “You in Florida?”  We have no idea what she’s getting at.  I mean, when the Sunday nurse asked Megan, “You smoked” as opposed to “Are you a smoker?” all bets are off in terms of what this staff is getting at.  Megan says, “No, I’m from Kentucky.”  The nurse replies, “No, you in Florida?”  We look at each other with crooked eyes and then, slowly, Megan says, “Noooooooo.”  The nurse then reaches around me, opens this mini fridge looking device that holds bunch of blankets and grabs one.  She hands it to me.  It’s super warm and toasty.  “Then you should cover your feet.  It’s cold.”

Unfortunately, this is the “back-up” blanket warmer when the other one conks out.

Now, allow me to digress here.  A freaking oven for blankets!  Why aren’t theses things readily available for consumers?  Freaking hot blankets for cold Chicago days.  Who in their right mind at the blanket warming company thought that no one would buy that.  Sorry hospitals, but it’s high time you stopped being so selfish.  Share this with the world.  It’s about the size of a mini fridge and it WARMS BLANKETS!  Son of a bitch.  What will they think of/hide from us next.

Guess that answers that question.

Back to the waiting.  To pass the time, Megan and I start posting on my Facebook profile what we’re doing.  The following is the entire update with comments.  we created a monster – – but a lovable, entertaining monster that helped us pass the time:

INITIAL STATUS UPDATE:

Waiting in a surgery prep room for Megan to get her gall bladder removed. I call it the “Legend of the Gall” room

    • Timmy Tamisiea The Berlin Gall
      November 22 at 11:45am ·

    • Timmy Tamisiea That Darn Gall                                                                                                                                                                                                                November 22 at 11:47am ·

    •  Elizabeth A. Gall My Children
      November 22 at 11:48am ·
    • Timmy Tamisiea Jacobs Bladder                                                                                                                                                                                                                November 22 at 11:48am ·

    • Liz B. The Family Gall Stone.
      November 22 at 11:49am ·
    • Liz B. The GAll Next Door.
      November 22 at 11:50am ·
    • Liz B. Gall’s Who’s Coming To Dinner
      November 22 at 11:50am ·
    • Liz B. The Seagall
      November 22 at 11:50am ·
    • Elizabeth A. The Kids are Gall Right
      November 22 at 11:50am ·
    • Elizabeth A. How to Marry a Gallbladder.
      November 22 at 11:51am ·
    • Timmy Tamisiea Gall of the house of Megan                                                                                                                                                                                         November 22 at 11:51am ·

    • Liz B. Gossip Gall
      November 22 at 11:51am ·
    • Liz B. Gall, Interrupted
      November 22 at 11:52am ·
    • Liz B. The Good Gall
      November 22 at 11:52am ·
    • Liz B. Jersey Gall
      November 22 at 11:52am ·
    • Elizabeth A. For Colored Galls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf
      November 22 at 11:54am ·
    •  Elizabeth A. Great Galls of Fire
      November 22 at 11:54am ·
    • Mitch P. ‎(as Gomer Pyle) Gaaaaaaalllleeeee.
      November 22 at 12:06pm ·
    • Michael T. The Animated Gall-E
      November 22 at 12:07pm ·
    • Michael T. It’s Gallways Sunny in Philadelphia
      November 22 at 12:07pm ·
    • Michael T. Erin Brockovich
      November 22 at 12:12pm ·
    •  Michelle S. The Muppets!! The Muppets!!
      November 22 at 12:12pm ·
    • Natalie S. Megan’s favorite John Hughes star was always Anthony Michael Gall.
      November 22 at 12:13pm ·
    •  Michelle S. Oh allright …cause the gall blader will be Gonzo. Just really excited for Muppets
      November 22 at 12:14pm ·
    • Mitch P. Hey, bladder, bladder, bladder, saawwwiinnng bladder.
      November 22 at 12:16pm ·
    • Mitch P. Did I say Gomer Pyle before? I meant Gomer Bile.
      November 22 at 12:17pm ·
    • Liz B. Gall the King’s Men
      November 22 at 12:22pm ·
    • Mary N. Is she okay?
      November 22 at 12:33pm ·
    • Mark John L. These made me gall down laughing
      November 22 at 12:38pm ·
    • Gene K. oh boy… tell her welcome to the club! Leading up to it is horrible!
      November 22 at 12:40pm ·
    • Jim F. Is Charles De Daulle there?
      November 22 at 12:41pm ·
    • Mark John L. I can’t believe you people have the gall to make fun of Megan in this way. It’s just agalling!
      November 22 at 12:53pm ·
    •  Sarah M. WHAT!?!? Oh no. Is she okay?
      November 22 at 1:03pm ·
    • Sarah M. Oh also, “White Gall” is my favorite movie to watch with Megan.
      November 22 at 1:06pm ·
    • Sean C. Wow – good luck to you guys!
      November 22 at 1:07pm ·
    • Kristina Z. Mona Lisa Bile
      November 22 at 1:12pm ·
    • Gene K. Tell her I just galled to say I love you.
      November 22 at 1:34pm ·
    • Ron R. Metallica….”Nothing Else Bladders”
      November 22 at 1:57pm ·
    • Jon F. Gall Wonder
      November 22 at 2:18pm ·
    • Joseph D. K. I named mine.
      November 22 at 2:46pm ·
    • Joseph D. K. After someone who is a pain in the ass.
      November 22 at 2:46pm ·
    • Timmy Tamisiea She just got out of surgery and is fine. She had over 50 stones in her gall bladder. Start your puns now.

      November 22 at 2:53pm ·
    • Natalie S. ‎50? Is that gall?
      November 22 at 3:09pm ·
    •  Casey C. Galls just wanna have fun!… they just wanna!
      November 22 at 6:14pm ·
    • Gene K. there must be 50 ways to leave your bladder
      November 22 at 11:54pm ·
    • Casey C. Those summer nights are callin… Stone in love! – journey- for all those That suck w music!
      Wednesday at 10:06am ·
    • Gene K. Casey, you could double your pun by saying the summer nights are gallin’. 😉
      Wednesday at 10:09am ·
    • Casey C. Nice Gene! :)
      Wednesday at 11:21am ·
    • Timmy Tamisiea Megan’s coming home this afternoon. We’re bringing all 50+ of our little bladder babies with us. I’m naming them after all of you.  Wednesday at 12:44pm ·

    • Gene K. I like Joe’s idea of naming the biggest one after the biggest pain in the a** (wouldn’t that be Patrick Tamisiea?) :-)                                   Wednesday at 12:50pm ·

No one can tell a good gall bladder one liner like ol’ Henny Youngman. “Take my gall bladder! PLEEEEEEEEEEESE! Ahhhhhh it hurts!” Oh, Henny.

Well, that was fun — even days after the surgery.  Just a note – very revealing about what pop culture items people tend to enjoy . . .  So what do we do now?  Well, if anyone knows the Tamisieas, they know we are prone to making up songs out of the blue.  Pat’s songs usually consist of gibberish or non-sensical phrases.  My favorite of his is “Hey there Billy!  I have it!”  That’s it.  Who’s Billy?  No one knows.  Mine usually consist of jingles that could very well be commercials . . . well, maybe not.  But I made up this song to get Megan’s mind off the surgery.  A nurse had commented that after the surgery, Megan would get a pair of “massaging booties.”  I had no idea what that meant but suddenly I started singing:

Massaging Booties
Bootie Massage
Turkey Baster
Sweet Potato Pie
Cranberry Sauce
Biscuits Piled On High
Massaging Booties
Bootie Massage

I’m in negotiations with the makers of this fine product to sell my beautiful song as their new jingle.

We started laughing so hard that a nurse stopped by and wanted to know why.  We had no answer.  It was a bad move anyway because the laughing hurt Megan’s abdomen.  A little while later, the anesthesiologist stopped by.  It was time for me to leave.  And so we play the waiting game part two.  Megan’s parents and I – just waiting around.  Reading.  Talking.  I start to get some shut eye when Leo, Megan’s dad, offers me some cookies.  Who needs sleep when you got COOKIES!  I really wish I had that shut eye . . .

Of course, this was what I was dreaming about. So plain old chocolate chip cookies are fine with me.
Of course, this was what I was dreaming about. So plain old chocolate chip cookies are fine with me.

There’s a monitor in the waiting room that indicates where the doctor is at any given moment.  For the whole 2 hours we waited, he never left the recovery room.  All the other doctors were in Surgery.  Was this some scam like at a mechanic when they say you need a new part and then just let the car sit for a few days, pass it back and charge you an arm and a leg?  Oh man, we just got scammed, didn’t we.  Megan’s just laying on a table, passed out while doctor’s play poker on her abdomen.

Hey, youse need a operation. I'm da guy wit the doctors certificate. Eh-OOO!

Well, eventually, the doctor comes out and informs us that Megan is doing fine.  She had over 50 stones in her gall bladder.  He said she’d probably been collecting them for 10 years.  10 YEARS!  I always thought Megan had a secret hobby.  Well, if we never have babies, at least we can say she gave birth to 50 beautiful gall bladder babies.  Much easier to care for as well.

Got ourselves a little football franchise here.

I go walk with Megan back to her room where she is high on drugs.  She says to me, “When I woke up, the first thing I said was, ‘Where’s my husband?'”

And with that, I rush home so she can sleep.  I clean the house for 5 hours so she has something nice to come home to – even borrowing our neighbor’s vacuum.  Our gay neighbors who are named Ty and Rex.  I really want to get to know them well so I can refer to them collectively as TYrannosaurus REX.  Then I get this text: “One of the nurses said it might be thursday before I get to go home.  It all depends on progress.  So please pray I heal quickly and get tom come home tomorrow.  :(“

I get to sleep at 3:30am.  Again.

Post a Comment

Your email is never published nor shared.

You may use these HTML tags and attributes <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>