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73/365 – 10 Items From My “What The Hell” Christmas List.
© 2011 Timmy Tamisiea. All rights reserved. Minus the dead parents and I'm all good.

73/365 – 10 Items From My “What The Hell” Christmas List.

We’re officially 13 days away from Christmas.  That’s 13 whole days for you to buy everything you need to convince your loved ones that the are, indeed, loved ones.  May that be a toy or a diamond or a contract killing – you’ll find a way.  I mean, it is Christmas after all.  Dreams can come true!  Even horrible, nasty, dirty dreams.  Those can come true too.  Though I suspect you’d be placed on a watch list if hey did come true.  So, why not dream pleasant dreams and save those weird ones for Halloween . . . I digress – I still have lots of shopping to do.  I have gifts for my wife and my family and her family and myself.  Myself being the most important person on my list.  I mean, I’m my best friend and I want to be the best friend a best friend could have.  Don’t fail me, Tamisiea!

Who me? Let me down? Never.

Every year, my mom asks for a Christmas list from her boys.  Every year, my brother Pat is the first one to respond.  He’d play it off as coy and bashful, “I don’t need anything, just your love.  But if you REALLY feel like it, here’s my 18 page list.”  It took me a long, long time to figure out the value of lists.  I always wanted to be surprised – I wanted my gift givers to lay upon me a totally creative and thoughtful gift.  One with major thought power behind it.  Why did I expect people to be mind readers?  While Pat was relishing in the  gifts he asked for, I was relishing in gifts that almost made the grade.  My dad countered that by giving us all the same gift.  Tool kits.  Toiletry sets.  Checks.  Russian Mail Order Brides.

Luckily, this one was on backorder.

My mom also had this habit of wrapping all our gifts the morning of Christmas.  So, inadvertently, many of our gifts were mislabeled.  And because they were from “Santa”, she chose to let them remain as labeled for fear of ruining our perception of that big fat asshole – I mean jolly fellow.  One year I asked for Duck Tails the video game.

Video Game Classics: DuckTales by MojoSupreme

You thought the cartoon was awesome.  Try jumping around as Scrooge McDuck in space.  Awesome.  Of course, to this day, I swear my mom mixed up the labels because patrick got the game and I got – I can’t remember – I probably got a Dirt Devil.  I’m pretty sure Pat wanted the Dirt Devil.  Spoiled Brat.

Thanks, girls. I'll go get MY Christmas present. You just made my day sooo worth it. I'm being sarcastic, you dumb 6-year-olds.

So, now, every year, I try to write down a physical list so that there’s a paper trail.  No way Pat’s getting my gifts.  I have simple tastes taht fit into simple categories; books, video games, clothes, electronics, russian mail order brides, a professional hit on Mariah Carrey.  I do, however, always add a category on the bottom: Things I Know I won’t GEt But Thought It’d BE Fun To Ask For.  I think I actually name it the “What the Hell” category.  So, I know all 6 of you (I know my readership as increased by 4) still have yet to buy me something.  Well, I already sent my regular list out, so here’s my “What the Hell” list for you:

1) Gears of War Lancer Replica

The constitution granst me the right to not only bear arms, but also cut off arms . . . LANCER STYLE! Thank you George Washington!

Listen, if you haven’t played Gears f War, then you still need to buy this for me.  I want to walk around my apartment knowing that not only do I have a gun, but also a chainsaw; the LANCER!  This thing is sweet – it may be just a replica, but on New Years Eve when I need people to leave my house, I’ll pull out this baby and start carvinbg a cornish hen . . .  My Step-Father-In-Law wants to take me Raccoon Hunting or Frog Gigging.  One’s where you shoot raccoons.  the other is where you spear frogs.  Guess what, Step-Father_In-Law John – with the Lancer, we can do BOTH at the same freaking time.   won;t need an orange vest, other hunters will tremble in the wake of my chainsaw gun . . . THE LANCER!

You can buy me one here.

2) A Dragon

No caption. Just bask in it's glory.

There’s no such things as dragons, you say?  You better start developing an imagination cause that’s what I want.  A dragon!  I’ll tame it with my gad damn Lancer Replica!  What kind of dragon?  Preferably a Great Horned Dragon, but an Ice Dragon or a Cuélebre will do . . . here, read this and get some history stuffed down your throat cause everyone believes in Dragons, you sissy!  I want to take my new dragon for walks and watch it eat those puny little toy puppies that all the city folk have – CHOMP.  Sorry, your dog was stupid.  My dragon said so.  He won’t eat cool dogs though.  I like cool dogs.  But if you carry a dog in your purse, watch out for Zach Morris (that’s what I will name my dragon!), your dog is nothing but a furry pizza pocket.  Can’t wait for my Christmas Dragon!

You can buy me my awesome dragon here.

3) A Spy Car

Hey cabbie! Hail this . . . as in a hail storm of missiles! BOOM.

Listen, I’m going to Lois Angeles for 5 weeks this Frebruary and I need a car to get around.  No, I don’t want a VW Bug.  Might as well just beat ths hit out of me now vause that’s all that will happen if I have a Bug.  I want a car that say, “Timmy Tamisiea is driving me so watch the f**k out!”  I want a car that I can drive over to Tom Cruise’s house and give hium a Mission Impossible with a side of Ghost Protocol up his ass . . . and save Katie Holmes from his cult.  I want a car that can shoot missles at the 101 in LA and allow me to fly by in camoflage and then make me a black coffee bacause I’m so damn tired from being so cool all the time.  I want my wife to look at me in my new car mary me all over because it takes piunds off my figure.  Give me my spy car, now!

You can get me one here.

4) A Zombie Proof House

No, you moron. The big grey square house on the left! Not the right. That's a Synagogue.

Max Brooks, son of one of the funniest men in show business, got real serious when he wrote his book, the Zombie Survival Guide.  They are coming, those flesh eating monsters, and they want all of us.  But especially me . . . and my wife.  We’re like Kobe Beef in the zombie world.  And no zombie is getting my rump roast.  That’s for Megan!  Boom.

After I’ve escaped my apartment by shooting down a hundered or so former firends, neighbors and strangers with my Gears of War Lancer and after I’ve cleared the raods with my pet dragon Zach Morris and after I’ve driven hundreds of miles out of the city in my spy car, I’m gonna need a place to stay and wait this hell storm out.  Preferably someplace with hot pockets . . but that’s another Xmas list.  I’m gonna need a house that closes itself off from the world.  Oh, you don’t think zombies are real.  Fine, then I need a house that closes me off from you.  I’m having a private party in my zombie proof house and everyone’s invited but you.  And I’m serving hot pockets.

You can buy my house here.

5) A TaunTaun

I may need several dozen. Megan gets cold at night and I may need to chuck her into one of these a few times a month.

You know, those hairy, smelly creatures from Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back?  The one Han Solo tore open with a light saber and stuffed Luke in so he’d be warm?  Two legged snow runners?  I want one of those.  I’m sick of riding the train in the winter and I sweat too much to bike in the winter.  So, I want a TaunTaun to get to work.  Cruise past idiots in their cars and fart on their windshields as I sit atop my 7 foot steed!  Yes, a TaunTaun!  Riding trough the snow on Christian Bale (That’s what I’ll name my TaunTaun!), as he marks his territory with gallons of pee.  He and Zach Morris can play together when I’m out of town.  What a glorious family we’d have.

You can buy me one here.

6) A Light Cycle

Now I just need a frisbee that can kill.

I could care three craps if Tron: Legacy was a total waste.  I don’t care if Jeff Bridges was CG’ed to make himself look younger and consequently look stupider.  I just want one of those bikes.  In fact, I don’t care if there isn’t a ribbon of light that follows me as I ride down Chicago’s crazy ass streets.  I’d prefer it so I could destroy all the cabs I could with that indestructible light ribbon.  Nah, I just want one badass bike to make everyone wonder if I’m real or just a program.  Then, at stop lights, I’ll yell, “NO!  I’m a USER!” as I speed off.

You can buy me one here.

7) The Batpod

Minus the dead parents and I'm all good.

Listen, I’m a fair minded person.  If you can’t get me a light cycle, them I’ll take a Batpod.  At least that way, I can strike fear into the heart of cabbies.

You can get me one here.

But if you get me that, then I need this:

8) A Complete Batman Suit

Where's Santa hiding the cookies?!! . . . Because I have some milk to wash them down.

What good is a Batpod without the suit to make it real.  Otherwise, I’m just some geek on a Batpod.  I want people to know that Chicago is Gotham, not Pittsburg.

You can buy me one here.

Of course, if you’re getting me this, hen might as well get me this:

9) Eyeclops Night Vision Goggles

I'd look so badass. Especially with my glasses taped to the front so I can see.

Batman needs his gadgets.  So just give me his gadgets.

You can buy me one here.

10) A Copy of Assassin’s Creed Brotherhood.

This is basically me and my brothers. Minus the death.

I mean, after you failed to buy me the first nine things on this list, a video game should be a piece of cake, right?

You can just go to Gamestop.  They probably have a used copy on sale.  Cheapskate.

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