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74/365 – 4 Companies That Didn’t Get The Green Memo
© 2011 Timmy Tamisiea. All rights reserved. kleenex-hand-towels-home

74/365 – 4 Companies That Didn’t Get The Green Memo

Kermit the Frog was right, it really isn’t easy being green.  Sometimes it’s downright annoying.  Having to hold onto trash so you can find the right receptacle, separating the plastic from the paper from the aluminum, turning off lights, showering once a month . . . Megan hates that, but my hair tends to look so good.  The thing is, it’s slightly inconvenient but it’s not hard.  Quite frankly, I think Megan and I have done a decent job of being green.  We’ve replaced most of our lightbulbs with energy efficient bulbs, Megan unplugs all appliances not in constant use and our recycling bin has gotten three times bigger than our regular trash.  Granted, we’re mostly throwing away all the cardboard boxes from our wedding gifts, but at least we’re putting them in the right bin.

We used to have a red bin for all our hazardous waste, but Megan loves hoarding her used needles and razors.

Being Green is a fad that’s not going away.  It took some pushing, however, to get this trend started.  Ten years ago, when the Prius first came out, it was painfully obvious what was going on.  The Green movement was gaining momentum and the car companies were trying to appease those select green few.  The car companies knew what they were doing – Americans are a very vein culture.  Looks matter.  I mean, look at that car.  It was UGLY.  Just dreadful looking.  They thought, “If we make this car ugly, no one will buy it and we can go on making our gas guzzlers.”

Toyota could have designed the 2001 Prius like a sports car if they wanted. Instead, they made it look like an egg -- because that's what they wanted you to think you were buying; an egg.

Thank God that Americans wised up and started going for function over form.  Seriously, this technology has been around for ages, I’m sure of it, but no company would dare release it outright.  They’ll only give us little doses so not to take any risks.  The fact is, if we can put a man on the moon, eradicate diseases and communicate with anyone anywhere within seconds – well, I’m sure an electric car’s been sitting around for years.  That technology is just being released en masse today because the public wants green products.  They want to save the planet.  And, quite frankly, they want to save some dough.

So, it blows my mind to see some of the products that are being released today.  It’s like the companies releasing them just said, “Screw it.  This is neat.  Public image, public scmimidge.”  I found at least 4 products with nationwide commercials and popularuty that just boggle me.  They’re so wasteful — I’m just wondering if they missed the Green Memo that came out years ago . . .

1) Cottenelle Toilet Paper Cover

Are you fucking kidding me?  Please say this is a joke, Cottenelle.  First off, when the horsed faced blonde lady says, “Toilet paper that fancy deserves respect,” I want to commit grievous homicide.  Respect?  You’re telling me I have to respect an object who’s sole purpose is to get covered with shit?  No!  Toilet paper is already pretty wasteful (if you’re Tammer the Hammer and use a whole role in one sitting.), but covering it with a “fancy” holder is re-donk-u-lous!  When I go to the bathroom, I want to know where the extra role is, I don’t want to make a guess on whether it’s a candle or a tolilet paper roll cover.  Since when did people get embarrassed about having a roll of toilet paper out in the open in their bathroom?  Next thing you know, they’ll be making plastic sheeting for individual rolls so that when your teens go TPing the paper won’t get soggy in the rain.  For crying out loud!

2) Kleenex Disposable Hand Towels

Listen, I know that the argument could be made that this product is no different than paper towels.  This, however, is being marketed as a replacement for HAND TOWELS in your bathroom.  Really, Kleenex, stick to snot blowers because this is dumb.  Oh, look, it fits into your hand towel rack so nicely.  And really, you found 32 classmates in the towels?  Sound more like you need CSI more than you need a disposable towel – cereal killer.  How could you even find that much filth in a towel that’s made for drying your hands AFTER you wash them.  Either MEg’s son is n’t washing his hand or he has awful aim when it comes to urinating.  Hey, Meg, I have a suggestion for your hand towels acting like a junk drawer and murder victim storage closet.  It’s pretty simple.  WASH YOUR DAMN TOWELS.  That one’s free.  For a good lawyer, you’ll have to go someplace else.

3) Keurig Coffee Pods

I know, I know, I know.  This device is simple, fast and produces decent coffee.  My mom has one and she loves it.  One of my editors has one and he loves it.  It’s a pretty decent invention.  Even the commercial isn’t half bad – there’s not much there to make fun of.  However, the thing is SOOOOO wasteful.  I can buy a bag of whole beans for 10-15 bucks and use my french press to make two cups of coffee, giving me about 30-35 cups a bag.  It may take 10 minutes longer than your Keurig, but I also have one bag to throw away and you’ll have dozens and dozens of little plastic cups.  Plus, I could pretty much guarantee that my coffee is going to taste better.  It just seems that there could be a better way to do this.  Why not buy the coffee grounds and fill a built-in pod for an individual cup.  Anyway you see it, the current method is far from green – it’s just downright wasteful.

4) Purell Hand Sanitizer

Now with mock turtle neck and noose!

I hate hand sanitizer.  It’s wasteful and unnecessary and way overused.  In fact, I can pretty much say I’m not a fan of anti-bacterial products in general.  Here’s my reasoning – all the marketing is based on fear.  And that fear causes people to squirt out that hand sanitizer every chance they get – restaurants, work, sleeping, sexual intercourse . . . The biggest proponents of hand sanitizer are parents.  I see mothers wiping that crap all over their kids.  My old boss has three kids and she anti-bacterialized thos kids all day.  And guess what?  Those kids got sick more often then any kids I’ve ever known.  Here’s the skinny, parents (and non-parents, for that matter), germs are what make us strong.  We need germs so that our immune system can get stringer.  When you slather that slime all over your kids, the immune system never get a chance to fight off germs natrurakky.  In essence, their immune systems become miniaturized versions of your kids – weak, insulated, sheltered little brats.  Let your kids get exposed to the world.  let yourself get exposed to the world.  Leave the hand sanatizer for nursing homes and hospitals where desease really can harm a human.


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