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79/365 – Best Buy: The Santa Bully
© 2011 Timmy Tamisiea. All rights reserved. Look at him. He's saluting Jesus.  How cool is that?  Santa's awesome.

79/365 – Best Buy: The Santa Bully

Santa Claus is great.  Come on, really.  Out of all the imaginary holiday folk heroes, Santa is the best.  The Easter Bunny just breaks into your home, poops out a bunch of eggs, and hopes you find them.  Three weeks later, that odor you can’t find is a bunny “nugget” hidden behind your couch.  The Tooth Fairy’s just creepy.  Yes, you get cash for a piece of your body.  But isn’t collecting teeth just the plot of a serial killer movie?  Santa selflessly makes toys all year round and delvers them to your house, asking for nothing in return.  The whole coal in your stocking thing is just a huge myth anyway – when was the last time you got a piece of coal? Exactly.  Essentially, every human being has been bad in a year’s time.  Santa’s just a jolly, happy, selfless man who spreads joy.

Look at him. He’s saluting Jesus. How cool is that? Santa’s awesome.

So, why in the world would Best Buy apprioach sales through the “fuck Santa” route?  Did they really think it would be a good ad campaign to bully one of the most beloved holiday figures in history?  They’ve created a series of commercials that depict housewives making Santa feel bad about giving gifts to their families by outdoing him.  All they succeed at is making Best Buy look like a bunch of arrogant bullies.  Would you ever go to a birthday party and make fun of someone’s gift because yours was more expensive?  It’s rude and it really makes me hate Best Buy.  Let’s take a look.

1. Bitchy Mom and Her Dog Too

Oh.  My.  Lord.  Really?  First off (and you’ll notice this is a pattern in all the Best Buy commercials for this season) this mom stayed up all night and just waited for Santa to stop by so she could make fun of his gifts?  What a bitch.  If she were a real mom, she’d be in bed, exhausted form taking care of the kids and preparing for the next day.  You’d think any mom would be ECSTATIC that Santa was going to take some of the burden off their Holiday to do list.  Oh, but not this one.  “Maybe you can fill his stocking.”  Oh, lady, game on indeed.  First off, anyone who leaves annoying reindeer antlers on their dog over night is a cruel, cruel mistress.  Second, Santa may be too nice to cram your dog down your big gullet and shut you up through asphyxiation, but my Halloween buddies won’t be.  I have a feeling Holiday icons stick together, and lady, you’re in for a rude awakening.  Poor Santa, come to  my house.  We can play X-Box and have a beer and any gift you give me or my family, man, I’ll be more than happy to accept.

2. Red Haired Flaming Jerk and Her Text Prank

Oh, this mom went to a lot of trouble to get Operation Burn Field Bitch underway.  Again, she stayed up all night getting her two cell phones all ready just so she can interrupt Santa from GIVING so she could give something of her own – a complete lack of gratitude.  Listen you Red Haired Demon, how mature to you have to be to wait up all night just so you can text Santa insults?  Answer:  You’re a mom?  Really?  Parenting is a privilege, not a right.  Anyway, at least the first lady had the balls to insult him Santa face-to-face.  You’re going to stand behind a wall a giggle like a little female antichrist?  I’m sure Santa heard your little pig snort too, but, again, he’s too nice to walk the 10 feet and slap your righteous little ginger head into next Christmas.  And you call yourself a mother.  Really, how realistic can this be – if she were a real mom, her texts would look more like this;

“Bette bit pout”

“Better not cut”

“Bette kick next year, ELF VIY1 ;)”

First, I’m sure her grammar and text skills aren’t that good and secondly, her fat ginger hands would screw those texts up anyway.

3.  Sweat Pants Satan and Her Big TV

“Daddy don’t want no cologne.”  Yeah, actually, he does.  He wrote Santa and asked for cologne because you’ve been wearing those nasty sweat pants for months without washing them, claiming that they’re “pajama pants.”  He just wants one day without your stink.  Sorry, lady.  You stink, both iterally and metaphorically.  Again, you stayed up all night and set up this entertainment system and pausing at a depiction of natures savagery just so you could bully Santa.  Got a lot of time on your hands, I see.  Instead of washing your nasty sweats or even taking care of your kids, you plan evil, belittling plots on nice people so you can feel better about your dim existence.  You’re probably one of those Texas cheerleader moms.  The ones who set up fake Facebook profiles and concoct evil smear campaigns so your daughter can be the head cheerleader on not nice Suzie from down the street.  Your’re an ugly human being.

4. Rooftop Randi the Ho, Ho, Ho.

Holy Christ!  I can get over the fact that, AGAIN, this trashy creep waited all night on a rooftop, in the cold to insult Santa.  She may have been calling herself a ho, because what really gets me is that she KICKS A PLASTIC SANTA OFF THE ROOF IN FRONT OF THE REAL SANTA.  How evil do you have to be to do that?  It would be like you going to volunteer at a soup kitchen and an employee burning you in effigy right as you’re serving meals.   10-1 the lady leaves the mess for her husband to pick up.  She made her point.  Good thing those reindeer are tied up because I hear they are very protective of Santa.  Blitsen isn’t named that for no reason – he’d run the line and tackle that ho in an instant.   And lady – never try to out-ho that king of Ho Ho Ho.

That lady's lucky she got within 10 feet of Santa.

Listen Best Buy and your Bitchy Holiday Sirens – Christmas is about giving, not giving big.  It’s the size of the thought, not the size of the gift.  If you get anything, you should be happy.  One of my most fond memories was right after my parents divorced.  My mom was pretty strapped financially and gifts were hard to come by.  For my 11th birthday, I could tell, even at that age, that the gifts she gave me were probably bought in the discount toy isle at Walgreens.  At the same time, I could also tell that she probably stood in that isle for over an hour, trying to figure out what I would like the most – probaly wishing she could get me more expensive gifts.  Those small birthday gifts that year were amazing.  Not because they were what I wanted but because I knew that she really worked hard to get them.  She  just wanted to see me happy.  If I ever found my mom or my dad trying bullying Santa like these Holiday Whores, I’d have been mortified.

Santa’s no different than my GOOD mom.  Yes, I know he’s a fairy tale, but it’s the message that his presence brings to Christmas.  I mean, he MADE these gifts — probably spent a butt load of Santa Bucks on buying rights to make some of the name brand gifts — just so you can have a happy Christmas.  And then, when he’s on his 567,987,345th house, some crappy, self loathing house wife decides to make him look like a idiot.  And one bad comment can ruin a day.  Trust me.  Next year, Best Buy, try the cooperation ad campaign instead.  Maybe have these ladies work with Santa to give their families a great holiday, not ambush him when he’s in the middle of spreading joy to the WORLD.


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