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© 2011 Timmy Tamisiea. All rights reserved. 3


About a week or so ago, I wrote a post entitled “10 Items From my ‘What The Hell’ Christmas List.”    In it I detailed 10 gifts I’d love but know I’d never get.  Well, guess what?  Patrick Tamisiea came through!  You see, for the past 3 or 4 years, my brothers decided to make gift giving simple by getting rid of an antiqyuated Tamisiea system and trying something new.  We usually bough everyone a gift.  That got to be very expensive.  So, we decided to draw names and have a 100.00 limit.  If you wanted to buy the other brothers gifts, there’s a 10.00 limit.  It just made things simple.

Well, Pat got me again.  3 years in a row.  When Megan and I came home from Kentucky tonight, we found a Fed-Ex box waiting for me.  Pat wanted to Skype in so he could watch me open the gift.  Inside were a bunch of small wrapped gifts and an envelope that said, “Open me first.”  What kind of rabbit hole was I jumping into?

The letter said this:

10 Items from your “What the Hell List” 

Hello, or as Santa would say, “Sit on my lap little boy.  Yes, that’s the way.  Just a little higher . . . nope, nope . . . yep, there.  Ahh.”

So, again, for the third year in a row I have received you as my Secret Santa (even though I blatantly told you I was your gift giver so it;s not really Secret Santa.  It’s more like “I Told You I’m Your Secret Santa Santa.”)  I decided to follow your blog post to get your gifts.

Without further ado . . .


And, so, with that, I found 10 gifts in the box, all from my blog post.  Each had a note from Patrick attached.  Here are the contents:

1) Gear of War Lancer Replica

I couldn;t find a life-sized replica of the Lancer Replica or afford the one you posted on your blog, so I did the next best thing and got you a guy with a min-Lancer Replica.  You can go ahead and just take the gun out and throw away the figurine.  In fact, I’d appreciate it if you followed your own list and keep only the gun.

2) A Dragon

I’m sure you were fully expecting a traditional medieval type dragon.  Well, fuck you cuz I got you Godzilla!!  Godzilla fucking rocks and technically he;s a dragon!  And he’s fucking Japanese.  The Japanese are hilarious . . . with their funny eyes and little wieners.  GODZILLA!!

3) A Spy Car

Fuck Tom Cruise and his bullshit (but fucking awesome) spy cars.  You know what’s the true spy car?  The Delorean.  Why?  Because you see that piece of shit car and then suddenly it his 88 mph and it’s fucking nowhere to be seen.  You know why?  Because it’s back in 1955, then 1985, then 2015, then  1885 . . . and then who knows when else!  Maybe 2005 or 313455 or 5.  As long as it ends with a 5.

4) A Zombie Proof House

Tim, do you know how much a zombie proof house costs? Upward to $32 trillion.  You know how I know that?  David DeMarco told me, and that mother fucker knows his shit.  There’s just no way I can afford to buy you a $32 trillion dollar zombie house.  SOOOOO, I got you a Walking Dead metal lunch box pale.  It may not protect you, but it sure as hell will protect your lunch, because those stupid retarded zombies have zero motor skills and wouldn’t know the first thing about opening a pale.  Sure, you’ll be dead (possibly reincarnated into a zombie, which totally defeats the purpose of a gift like this for you because once you’re a zombie you’ll be retarded too and won’t know how to get your soggy PB&J and blackened banana out of the pale) but your lunch will be safe like Jesus cupping a young lamb in his right hand.  Thanks, Jesus!


5) A Taun Taun

“And I thought they smelled bad (beat) on the outside.”  Well, Han, you arrogant prick, you’re right.  You know what that smell is?  It’s wall paint.  Paint I found in Larry’s workshop.  And that’s not a Taun Taun?  Well, guess what Han, you fucking space prick, no it is not a Taun Taun.  It’s a tiny plastic horse I bought for $2.57 at Target and then cut its front legs off and painted it white to make it replicate a Taun Taun.  So, Merry Christmas Han, you fucking pirating prick!

6) A Light Cycle

I only saw like 45 minutes of Tron.  It was kinda stupid in a real slick sexy way.  Merry Christmas!

7) The Batpod

Damnit, Tim, it’s pretty much the same thing as a Light Cycle so just switch back and forth.  God!  Geesh!  EEEEEEEESSSSSHHHHH!!!

8) A Complete Batman Suit


Yeah, a compete Batman suit would be nice.  It’s made of carbon crystallization and things, I think, and stuff that can’t be broken and junk, I think.  Sure that will protect your body and get you into some killer clubs, but I think these full-on footy pajamas work much better for your existence.  (Plus, I realized that I killed two birds with one stone: when you and Megan finally abduct a three year old, you can dress them for bed!!!!)

9) Eyeclops Night Vision Goggles

Seriously?  Fuck you!


10) A Copy of Assassin’s Creed Brotherhood

It’s a used copy.  I got it from Gamestop.  I got points on my reward card for it.  Deal with it!

BONUS GIFT: Mozart Action Figure

It was between Charles Dickens and Mozart.  I went with Mozart because he came with a stool.  Not a piano or sheet music . . . a stool.  ENJOY!!

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