© 2012 Timmy Tamisiea. All rights reserved. elephant_donkey-cc054a72

100/365 – Jackasses and Long Noses

I don’t think I’ll ever understand James Carville and his wife, Mary Matalin.  I’m not sure the world understands those two.  Usually 1 Progressive Leftist + 1 Conservative Righty = orphan tears, the return of  Hudson Hawk and a bloodbath of biblical proportions.  It’s like one day, God decided to screw physics and cram a square peg so freaking hard into a round hole that he created the union of a bald headed cajun alien and a witch tongued iron mare.  It’s not that I don’t respect them – I think it’s great that two people with widely differing political views can come home every night and turn that hate into passionate love making.  Albeit, that love probably opens rifts in the space time continuum slowly unleashing Cathulu.  It’s still love, though.

James Carville is like Golem (Lord of the Rings) if he was on a somewhat healthy diet and had a tailor.

I’m very, very glad my wife and I pretty much see eye to eye politically.  I just don’t have the patience or the iron skin to have political debates with the future mother of my children.  It would be draining and useless.  By this time in our age bracket, there’s no changing our views short of the hand of God slapping the shit out of us.  It’s why political debate, to me, is pointless.  Especially if your goal is to change someone’s mind.  It’s not going to happen.

This is exactly why I hate election season.  It showcases everything bad about humanity – mud slinging, lying, cheating, name calling, digging up dirt from people’s pasts, kissing babies – and that’s just the primaries.  I just can’t wait for the actual presidential election.  It’ll be like listening to the Mariah Carey Christmas album over and over and over and over and over . . .

I'm Mariah Carey and I approve this STD.

My dad has always hated politics and until recently, I never understood it. I used to be really gung-ho about being informed and actively participating in the election process.  However, like my dad, as I’ve grown older, the bullshit becomes more and more apparent.  It seems that the whole process is more about choosing the lesser of two evils than it is about choosing a great leader.

The lesser of two evils?

And by the bull shit becoming more apparent, I mean I can visually see the verbal feces escaping a politician’s mouth.  Just vomiting up crap after crap.  To me, politicians are the most transparent, worst liars I have ever seen.  Especially when an interviewer calls them out on their fibs – you can see them thinking aloud, “What type of shit can I regurgitate now – because I have a whole arsenal under my belt.”  Well, a whole arsenal in their butts with a tube connecting it to their mouth.

The only good thing that comes from election season is comedy.  Saturday Night Live’s ratings rocket during elections because they produce fantastic parodies of the candidates.  Stephen Colbert and John Stewart are like kids in a Candy World –  no, not a store, a freaking world – where there’s almost too much fodder they practically vomit funny.  Comedians, improvisors and comedy writers get to produce some of their best stuff during elections.  When a politician inevitably spews out shit, the entertainment world takes that shit and nurtures it into a shinny gold nuggets.

Hi, I'm the Gold Nugget formerly known as Shit and I'll be hosting Saturday Night Live with music guest Linkin Park.

So, Yesterday, when my co-worker, Jef, showed me these political videos on YouTube, I was in heaven.  They perfectly illustrate how turning off the volume on a politician reveals what they are truly saying . . . absolutely nothing.  Makes me wonder how deaf people deal with political speeches with lip reading.  So, for your enjoyment, I give you what politicians are really saying.

MITT ROMNEY

HERMAN CAIN

RICK PERRY

MICHELLE BACHMAN

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