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114/365 – Brittany Is Great

I asked my Columbia co-worker, Brittney, what I should write about.  She said, “Brittney is great.”  So, without further or due, I present, Brittany is Great – A play is 12 Acts.

ACT 1:  Brits is Born

Brittany Rodgers is born in Chicago IL on April 6, 1990.  She insists that the “D” be stricken from her last name.  Then she writes a concerto entitled,”D is for Dopes.”  All within 5 minutes of exiting the womb . . .via C Section . . . she performed herself.  Her mother overheard her during theb birthing process yelling, “Jesus Christ, just give me a knife.  I have to do everything myself.”

ACT 2: Brits in Boots

At age 5, Brittany attends Inter- American Magnet School in the Boys Town area of Chicago.  She realizes that the schools acronym is IAMS – like the dog food, making her believe that she goes to school with a bunch of Cats and Dogs disguised as humans who speak Spanish.  She starts an afterschool program called “Heyyyyyy” where the kids go to different Boys Town clubs and learn new dance moves.  She loses her first tooth.

ACT 3: Brits and Chips

At Age 10, Brittany quits IAMS and joins the Merchant Marine where she is awarded the Medal of Valor for steering the ship though the Bermuda Triangle without disappearing.  Some on the mainland think it’s bogus while her shipmates all believe she saved their lives because, “We could have disappeared at any moment.”  She writes a tell-all book entitled, “Main-Landers can Suck It.”

ACT 4: Bits-O-Brits

Brittany retires from the sea calling it, “One messed up bitch.”  She enters, Lincoln Park School where her best friend, Jaclyn Klein, intrioduces her to Bonnie Bell Lip Smackers flavored Lip Balm.  Brittnay hits rock bottom, skipping school to hang out in the girl’s room, covering her lips with balm.  She starts dabbling in mixing her own flavors — She’s especially addicted to mixing 1 part Kiwi Lime Crush with 3 parts Power Punch and a dab of Carmex.  She calls it “Orphan Tears.”  Her mother finds her lying in an alley, her lips 30 times bigger than normal because of the waxy residue left by the lip balm.  Brittney misses an English test.

ACT 5: Briting Bottom

Brittany voluntarily enters rehab.  She makes wonderful progress, becoming the inspiration for a novel called, “Woman on an Intermission.”  It is adapted into a Lifetime movie called, “Lip Smacked: The Brittany Rogers Story.”  When she gets out of rehab, she is given a chance to retake the English test she missed.  When she finishes the test, the teacher discovers that Brittany has written a brilliant treatise on the purpose of mankind, but the teacher loses the test when, ironically, her dog eats it.

ACT 6: Brittany

Brittnay goes through her Junior year of high school . . . not much going on that year.

INTERMISSION

ACT 7: Puttin’ on the Brits

Brittany enters her Senior year really mad about how boring her Junior year was.  Determined to change that, she forms a band called 98 Degreez.  The band breaks up and reforms without Brittany under the name 98⁰.  She rebels by starting another group called Back Street Boyz and a Girl As Well.  They, subsequently break up and reform without her under a new name, Back Street Boyz.  Giving it one more shot, she forms a group called O Town.  They break up and reform without her.  Their new name is Shitty Town.  Brittany, feeling disgruntled,abandons music and tries to find a cure for AIDS.  She does.  But her English teacher’s dog eats it.  At least the dog will never get AIDS.  The dog writes a book called, “Bark Bark, Brittany, Bark.”

ACT 8: Brits of Genius

Brittany, riding high from her almost cure to AIDS, gets a scholarship to Harvard.  She doesn’t attend, though, because she says everyone there “Is like the Ocean; a bunch of messed up bitches.”   Instead, she attends Columbia College Chicago.  She feels she can write great films about her life.  Her first screenplay is entitled, A Robot Who Loves Trash and More Sophisticated Robots.”  It is bought by Pixar and they change the title to Wall-E.  Pissed off that they would change the title of her film, she takes her name from the production.  Brittany has her first beer.

ACT 9: The Brit Hits The Fan

Brittany is having a hard time in school.  The pressure of it all forces her to turn to Lip Smackers again.  Then, one night, she drops a Lip Smacker Raspberry Rush into a botttle of Miller Light.  The concoction is so delisious that she sells it to Miller and makes a fortune; $65.67.  She spends it all on Chinese food.

ACT 10: You Should Probably Brit Down For This

Brittany makes the mistake of lending one of her mom’s DVDs to a friend.  The wrath of her mom causes Brittany to fall into a coma.  IN her Coma she is visited by three ghosts.  They are all iterations of Patrick Swayze; Ghost Patrick Swayze, Point Break Swayze and Donnie Darko Patrick Swayze .  He tells Brittany that he’s actually looking for Demi Moore.  She says that Ms. Moore is with some douchebag named Ashton.  Grateful for the hint. Patrick prmoises her true love – not him, bit some other dude.  Moments later, Brittany is awoken by the kiss of Josh Drake.  She hits him across the face and he falls in love.  Brittany then uses the restroom.  She hadn’t peed in days.

ACT 11: Emergency Medical Brit

Brittany has to relearn how to do everything because she forgot while she was in a coma.  Some kind of montage happened with music by John Secada in the background.  Josh, the  faithful stranger, stays by her side.  Eventually she writes a book called, “Josh Sucks but after Awhile You Get Used to Him.”

ACT 12: Brittin’ On Down The Road

Never having learned to drive, Brittany decides to move to LA, because, “I think I could make it there and I might as well learn to drive sometime.”  Josh follows her.  She never learns to drive so she just buys a Luck Dragon and creates her own Never Ending Story, chasing bullies down alleyways and shit like that.  Then she writes a bunch of screenplays.  Then she dies years later . . . but that’s another story . . . (Cue Credits Below)

One Comment

  1. Posted 24 Jan ’12 at 6:18 pm | Permalink

    This post is hilarious. But I am giving you side-eye since I don’t have anything written about me or Professor Butch Cassidy! We’re awesome, simple awesome I say! Kudos, though, for keeping up with your goal to write a post a day.

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