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131/365 – Cloning the Clones
© 2012 Timmy Tamisiea. All rights reserved. Star_Wars_Episode_1_Wallpaper_JxHy

131/365 – Cloning the Clones

Star Wars, Episode I; The Phantom Menace is being re-released tonight . . . in mother fucking 3D.  Yeah, the swearing was absolutely necessary.  Of course, if tone of voice was as desernable in text as it is in speech, I wouldn’t have so many ex-girlfriends . . . (I’m joking Megan . . . am I?).  So, to be clear, Star Wars, Episode I, the Phantom Menace is being re-released tonight . . . and I couldn’t be more annoyed.  Especially since it is the most blatant attempt to milk a franchise since . . . the release of Star Wars, Episode I: The Phantom Menace. in 2D.

Aw man – in 3D he’s even more annoying.

The excitement over this film is as palpable as a gust of wind from a baby fart.  It’s like when Apple released the entire Beatles catalog on iTunes.  Wow.  Thanks Apple.  The 2 people who didn’t have a Beatles album can pay an inflated price on iTunes for a digital version.  Like Prometheus bringing us poor mortals the gift of fire, you have brought culture to the masses.

Sorry girls – they have to go to the digital world. It’s like the Matrix . . . but costs 99 cents a pop.

Even my brother, Patrick, the biggest Star Wars fan I know, is vehemently against this release.  3D is not going to help this film.  No matter what cute bear outfit you buy your ugly baby, there will always be that gaping hole where your kid’s ugly mug shines through.  How could anyone be excited about this?

Try breast feeding that.

Oh, wait.  I guess these guys (11pm, Thursday, February 9th, 2012):

I got off work, went to the gym and got on the Harrison Red Line stop to go home when I heard this weird banging noise on the opposite end of the platform.  That’s where I witnessed the last two people in the world keeping the Lucas dream alive.  I was sad, embarrassed, amused — these guys brought out so much emotion.  Then, I broke the cardinal rule of documentary filmmaking; I turned off the camera too soon.  Ten seconds later, the guy dressed as a Jedi says, “Strike me down and I become more powerful that you could ever imagine.”

That’s what this cool Jedi said just before the train hit him.

So, I congratulate you, George Lucas.  You may be an awful storyteller.  You may have no clue on how to direct actors to show emotion.  You may have abandoned the core tricks of filmmaking – the ones not related to computer graphics.  But, you are one hell of a businessman.

Yes, George, you can have your precious.

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