Today we’re celebrating my friend Angelica Jade Bastién’s birthday (It was April 17th). AJB! She’s turning 12. No! Not 12. 23? I don’t know. It’s her birthday. That’s all you need to know. She works with me at the Screenwriting center and she’s the most outspoken and opinionated person I know — I mean that as a compliment. (I’m at the Screenwriting Center writing this now, and she’s giving me a look.)
Angelica is a personality waiting to be written into a movie. She drinks whiskey, is obsessed with classic cinema, has a cat named Professor Butch Cassidy, thinks Bette Davis is the prefect example of a woman and wants to be Wonder Woman. Someone start writing this film NOW! Really. We’ll call it Diary of A Mad Black Woman . . . that’s taken? Oh. Then we’ll call it Anaconda . . . no? Um . . . .Die Hard? Screw it!
When I first met Angelica, she was a proud, strong black-Latina feminist ©. (Yes. Angelica has copy written this term. That’s how proud, she is. I had to pay her 20 cents to use that phrase.) Now, she’s a strong, proud, black-Latina feminist © (40 cents) who tolerates my low brow and blatant satirical sense of humor.
She lets me get away with so much crap . . . crap that if anyone else decided to attempt, would be given a sharp verbal beating. I know this because others have tried. The pharse, “I don’t even let my freinds talk to me like that, and you are not my friend,” has been used a lot in her classes. I think this was in response to someone calling her Angie. In her defense, I’ve met this girl and she’s like a an economy bag of annoying.
See, where these people have failed I’ve . . . succeeded? That seems like a strange word to use. I wouldn’t call it a litmus test — more like a License to Kill . . . or just a Hall Pass. I have the honor of being able to test the waters that are Angelica’s anger. It’s become this game to see how far I can go . . . and I’m winning. I think because she knows there’s no real intent to harm on my part, so she just laughs. For Angelica’s birthday, I am giving you a list of phrases that I have used successfully in getting her to laugh. Which mean if you ever, EVER run into Angelica, do NOT use these:
— Bride’s Maids is the funnest movie ever. Every female should support this film.
— If an Asian man uses the N word, spelled Niggahs — is it racist?
— I don’t watch movies made before 1980 . . . and if it’s black and white — gross.
— When you walk across the stage at graduation, can I yell, “Go, dark chocolate.”
— Instead of paying you 40 cents for the use of “strong, proud black-Latina feminist”, can I just slap you?
— You’re having a sleepover to watch classic movies. (While shaking my pelvis near her) Wakka, wakka!
— Cary Grant is not near as suave as Owen Wilson.
— Tip Drill by Nelly is . . . .(Sorry, even I can’t condone this piece of shit.)
— Angelica: Timmy, I could give two fucks. Timmy: But Angelica, you gave two fucks last night.
— Angelica, can I touch your hair . . . Oh, I am? Sorry.
— Wonder Woman is really just one big camel toe.
— Tarantino’s depiction of women is SPOT ON!
— Freedom is the right of all sentient beings . . . (From Transformers)
The thing is, once you are privileged enough to be included in the elite category of Angelica’s friends, you’ll find a very sweet lady and a very smart, intelligent young woman. She’s constantly helps me with my bad spelling on this blog and has some unbelievable insight on film that moist 23 year olds would miss. I feel lucky to have met her. Happy Birthday.