Today we’re celebrating my friend Angelica Jade Bastién’s birthday (It was April 17th).  AJB!  She’s turning 12.  No!  Not 12.  23?  I don’t know.  It’s her birthday.  That’s all you need to know.  She works with me at the Screenwriting center and she’s the most outspoken and opinionated person I know — I mean that as a compliment.  (I’m at the Screenwriting Center writing this now, and she’s giving me a look.)

What?  What?!  I’m just saying, Angelica.

Angelica is a personality waiting to be written into a movie.  She drinks whiskey, is obsessed with classic cinema, has a cat named Professor Butch Cassidy, thinks Bette Davis is the prefect example of a woman and wants to be Wonder Woman.  Someone start writing this film NOW!  Really.  We’ll call it Diary of A Mad Black Woman . . . that’s taken?  Oh.  Then we’ll call it Anaconda . . . no?  Um . . . .Die Hard?  Screw it!

There’s that look again. Geesh!

When I first met Angelica, she was a proud, strong black-Latina feminist ©.  (Yes.  Angelica has copy written this term.  That’s how proud, she is.  I had to pay her 20 cents to use that phrase.)  Now, she’s a strong, proud, black-Latina feminist © (40 cents) who tolerates my low brow and blatant satirical sense of humor.

A picture’s worth a thousand words . . . or looks . . . Angelica looks.

She lets me get away with so much crap . . . crap that if anyone else decided to attempt, would be given a sharp verbal beating.  I know this because others have tried.  The pharse, “I don’t even let my freinds talk to me like that, and you are not my friend,” has been used a lot in her classes.  I think this was in response to someone calling her Angie.  In her defense, I’ve met this girl and she’s like a an economy bag of annoying.

This pisses her off SOOOOOOO much.

See, where these people have failed I’ve . . . succeeded?  That seems like a strange word to use.   I wouldn’t call it a litmus test — more like a License to Kill . . . or just a Hall Pass.  I have the honor of being able to test the waters that are Angelica’s anger.  It’s become this game to see how far I can go . . . and I’m winning.  I think because she knows there’s no real intent to harm on my part, so she just laughs.  For Angelica’s birthday, I am giving you a list of phrases that I have used successfully in getting her to laugh.  Which mean if you ever, EVER run into Angelica, do NOT use these:

— Bride’s Maids is the funnest movie ever.  Every female should support this film.

— If an Asian man uses the N word, spelled Niggahs — is it racist?

— I don’t watch movies made before 1980 . . . and if it’s black and white — gross.

— When you walk across the stage at graduation, can I yell, “Go, dark chocolate.”

— Instead of paying you 40 cents for the use of “strong, proud black-Latina feminist”, can I just slap you?

— You’re having a sleepover to watch classic movies. (While shaking my pelvis near her) Wakka, wakka!

— Cary Grant is not near as suave as Owen Wilson.

— Tip Drill by Nelly is . . . .(Sorry, even I can’t condone this piece of shit.)

— Angelica: Timmy, I could give two fucks.  Timmy: But Angelica, you gave two fucks last night.

— Angelica, can I touch your hair . . . Oh, I am?  Sorry.

— Wonder Woman is really just one big camel toe.

— Tarantino’s depiction of women is SPOT ON!

— Freedom is the right of all sentient beings . . . (From Transformers)

The thing is, once you are privileged enough to be included in the elite category of Angelica’s friends, you’ll find a very sweet lady and a very smart, intelligent young woman.  She’s constantly helps me with my bad spelling on this blog and has some unbelievable insight on film that moist 23 year olds would miss.  I feel lucky to have met her.  Happy Birthday.