© 2012 Timmy Tamisiea. All rights reserved. Guys.  Spoiler alert but you're right behind each other!

216/365 – Spoilers Assemble!

This morning at 12:01am, I saw the premiere of The Avengers.  The film was great.  I laughed.  I clenched.  I listened.  Lights danced across an off white screen.  It was a movie . . . see, before I saw the film I read some comments.  I followed some of the postings.  I did some research.  I’m a genuine geek, nerd, fan boy — so I do my due diligence enough that I can genuinely be surprised and still have an educated guess on how it’s going to turn out.  Basically I steer clear of spolilers.  So, I’m going to now spoil it for you.

Guys. Spoiler alert but you’re right behind each other!

The Story of The Avengers . . .

This is the story of a motley group of misfits who band together to finght the fights no one else can.  They’re pretty cool.  There’s General North America (Not Canada), Lightening Guy, Lou Ferrigno, Metal Machine Dude, Boobs, Iowa State, Pimp Patch and they’re all fighting some skinny guy named Horns.  It was awesome.

Yeah. Much more awesome than anything you can do, Bay!

At first, you’re like, hey what’s Horns doing . . . he’s like taking the Spark of Destiny from the Museum of Modern Art!  Someone needs to stop him.  Who will be that someone?  I don’t know.  Pimp Patch may know — right Pimp Patch?  Yeah!

When Pimp Patch smiles, the whole world screams.

So Pimp Patch is like, “Hey guys, let’s make a team of heroes and fly them around on my flying battletankshipjetmotorcycle and take Horns down.”  So he sends Boobs out to use her boobs to get a group of boobs to be part of the team.

There you go, weapons manufacturer. Make my dreams come true. Now!

First she gets General North America (Not Canada) all amped up on patriotism and he punches an old man on a hoverround because when he was alive in 1940, people who couldn’t walk, “Just died and left everyone alone.”  He’s in!

The new face of Communism.

Now Boob has to get Lightening Guy to agree to be a part of the team.  But Lightning Guy is too busy being a dealer at an Indian Casino in hell.  But Boobs knows that Horns is his brother and says that he stole Lightening Guys favorite hat.  So now Lightening Guy’s all, “F that noise.”  Lightening Guy is in!

Lightening Guy’s favorite hat.

Boobs then travels to some seedy strip club in New York and talks to Metal Machine Dude also known as Tony Bananas.  He’s getting all VD on some hooker when Boobs says, “My Boobs are better.”  Metal Machine Guy is in!

Metal Machine Dude’s secret headquarters.

Deep in some shitty third world country, Lou Ferrigno is hanging out with some poor kids in some dump playing pogs when Boobs says, “Hey, Lou.  Get Angry.”  He does and turns into Green Lou Farigno and they make out and stuff.  Lou Farigno is in!

Sex makes me maaaaddd . . . wait . . . yep. Sex makes me mad!

Boobs then has a meeting with her lover Iowa State because he’s good with a bow and arrow and bow staff and has a charisma rating of +15.  Iowa State is all like, “Make out with me . . . good.  Now let’s get this team together and take down Horns.”

Oh, boobs.

FIGHT!

Oh no!  Everyone is really beaten down.  This is what screenwriters call coffee time.  Or something like that . . . in any case, everyone is sad.  Metal Machine Man is high on paint thinner and Lou Farigno is probably gay and Lightening Guy got too close to the lightening and and Pimp Patch is black and needs to write in his diary and General North America (Not Canada) is default on his taxes — everything just sucks.  Then Iowa State and Boobs make a baby so there can be a sequel.

FIGHT!

Horns is all like, “No.”  And The Avengers are all like, “Yes.”  And The Avengers win and Pimp Patch gets a medal for learning to read.

Literacy helped Pimp Patch lose his pimp patch. READING!

THE END

Now you don’t have to spend 15 bucks to go see it

YOU’RE WELCOME!

 

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