Relationships are complicated.  They’re hard.  They can be just weird.  However, when I look at my relationship with Megan, I find no complications.  It’s why I married her — she makes everything seem so easy.  No drama.  No head games.  She gets me and I get her.  In fact, she really gets me.  Like, a lot.

See, part of marriage is allowing the other to indulge in their fantasies and passions.  This behavior is not a weakness, it’s a gift.  If her passion was heroine, I would gladly let her shoot up whenever she needed . . . Okay, maybe not heroine, but I do let her indulge in 80’s pop rock and The Food Network.

Look, it’s MEgan’s two favorite things: Alton Brown and uncut Columbian cocaine.

Then there’s my passions, made perfectly clear buy this dumb blog — comics, video games, nerdy things.  So, Megan was all about me heading down to San Diego today so I could go to my first ever San Diego Comic Con.  It wasn’t a huge surprise . . .  Actually, it was a surprise because while I am walking the isles of nerd Valhalla she’s sitting at home in LA . . . on her birthday . . .

What?!

I gave her a party hat and some streamers. Jesus, what else can a husband do? It’s Comic Con!

Yes, while I indulge my nerd fantasies, she’s home, alone, on her first birthday in LA . . . her first wedding birthday.  And she insisted I go.  I didn’t drag my feet by any means.  Still, man, what a wife.  Right now, it’s night time in San Diego – the con is past me, and looking back on the day, I think much of the Con would have been made better had she been with me.

In an attempt at making up for my absence, let me describe my day and just how my wife would have made the whole experience better.

1 – THE WAIT

The beginning of the day was . . . well, it was awful.  It nearly ruined my first Comic Con.  I was supposed to meet my boss at 7am to get my Pro Pass for the day.  This pass would have allowed me to enter the floor an hour and a half before the general public.  It would have given me an edge on getting in any lines I wanted to, getting vouchers for exclusive merchandise and seeing the displays without the huge crowds.  This was the benefit of working Comic Con — getting the leg up on all the shmos who bought regular admission tickets.

And that’s the line for the Pro Pass holders!

Unfortunately, my boss didn’t show up till 3 hours later.    I texted.  I e-mailed . . . hell, I went old school and called.  Nothing.  And so, I sat in the lobby of the convention center like a fool.  I watched all the industry people flood the gates knowing damn well that I was being left out of something magical.  Like Diane Keaton’s character at the end of The Godfather when the door is closed on her as Michael is making mob deals.

So, you got the sneak peek of The Dark Knight Rises? . . . . hold on, my wife is watching. CLOSE THE FREAKING DOOR!

I was like a squire in a medieval battle whose lord was lost.  So all I could do was watch the battle — no, hear the battle and imagine what it was like.  Pardon my French, but what a cock tease.

IF MEGAN HAD BEEN THERE —

She would have calmed me down.  Probably convinced me to go across the street for a coffee.  Even reminded me that I was there for free and should be happy.  If Megan had been there, she would have made me go over the schedule and make a game plan for the day.  If Megan had been there . . .

2 – ERRANDS

When my boss did show up, he was very apologetic.  The fact of the matter was, I’m was there to work.  So, Comic Con had to wait.  We took a trip to Office Depot to get some sharpies and a poster board for the booth he was working.  We even stopped by his motel, which was situated near the airport, right next to some wonderful strip clubs.  One was called The Body Shop . . . I’d give you the link, but it goes to the website for the shampoo/soap store . . . meaning it’s a strip club without a website.  Classy.

I’m here to – ehem – get my engine lubed . . .

IF MEGAN HAD BEEN THERE —

I’m not sure she would have been there.  I’d probably have asked for one of the guy’s passes and let Megan explore while I ran errands.  But she would have insisted on going with me, and she would have charmed the pants off my boss.  Probably would have given her a job.  She would have even had some funny jokes about The Body Shop.  Megan’s pretty savvy.

3 – THE FLOOR

So, once we got situated on the floor of Comic Con where our booth was, my boss let me go.  No, not fired.  He said, “Enjoy the Con.”  And so I did.  I enjoyed the hell out of conning people out of money . . . Actually, no, I didn’t enjoy that — or anything.  I was so worked up from not getting in early, was so tired from getting up early, that I was just all sorts of annoyed.  I can’t stand slow people, people who stop suddenly in pedestrian traffic, people who stop to converse in the middle of a walkway and Children who are allowed to run freely in a crowded area.

Seriously, you’re all adorable, but stop blocking the men’s room!

I found a few displays I thought were neat, but the floor was so god damn big I was overwhelmed.  I was also getting a headache.  It was bad news bears.

And the radiation coming from this Back to the Future II Hoverboard was killing my buzz

IF MEGAN HAD BEEN THERE —

She would have calmed me down, looked at the map, and led me to the booths she knows I would enjoy.  Instead of getting annoyed with the general public, she would have found the fun in the situation.  She would have also broght a granola bar because she has a 6th sense when it comes to the correlation between me being cranky and the emptiness of my stomach.

4- LUNCH

After roaming the floor for an hour, I felt awful.  Tired, headachy, frazzled and ready to just quit Comic Con.  I roamed outside and crossed the pedestrian bridge to the Petco Park parking lot.  Waiting for me was a few food trucks and some more Comic Con displays for films and what not.  Not a haven from Comic Con, but still, more air, less crowded . . .

Of course, it’s Comic Con, so the parking lot could have been this.

I decided to try my hand at getting tickets for that night’s Walking Dead Escape . . . Basically, AMC TV turned the baseball stadium (Petco Park) into a zombie apocalypse.  For 75 bucks I would have the opportunity to run an obstacle course while evading zombies.  I had missed the pre-sales on teh internet, and my hopes for a great Con were being dashed . . . so, needless to say, I didn’t approach the ticket window with much flair.

Also, the guy at the ticket booth was dead . . .

Low and behold, there was plenty.  Got myself an 8:40pm spot and then grabbed some kind of Asian burrito at a food truck.  Things were looking up.  I also went to a TNMT Truck where they gave me a choice between a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle hat or a Foot Clan hat.  I got the foot clan one.  Because I was feeling evil . . . and really was hoping the hat would get me into this place:

IF MEGAN HAD BEEN THERE —

She would have made me go to the ticket booth ASAP, knowing that as soon as I bought a ticket, my day would instantly get better.  She probably would have bought me lunch while I waited in line to buy that Walking Dead ticket.  Megan would have also taken a Turtles hat so I could have a Turtle and Foot cap.  She also would have made a reference to the Foot Clan Hideout.

5 – PANELS!

Thursday is not really the day for great panels.  Any of the ones I wanted to see — including the movie trailers show — had been shown while I was running errands.  So, I decided to attend at least two.  One was a Batman Panel all about the comic book and where it’s going.  We all got a Court of Owls mask — a really creepy sight seeing 500 people with these masks on.

I’m in the back left . . . the one with the mask on.

Then I attended a live game play demo of the upcoming video game Assassin’s Creed 3.  I only stayed long enough to watch the demo because my boss needed me to get ready for the show he was putting on at a stage outside.

IF MEGAN HAD BEEN THERE —

Megan would have insisted I attend the panel entitled “Time Travel: Fact or Fiction.”  Really, though, the only thing that would have been different is that I would have had someone to talk to in line.  I was pretty lonely just standing around by myself.  Sundance Film Festival crowds are much more sociable.  These crowds are a little awkward.  Also, Megan would have made fun of everyone in the audience proudly displaying their nerd boners.  Me included.  Also, Court of Owls Masks would have creeped her shit out.  But she would have been a good sport and put the mask on anyway.

6 – ONE LAST RUN

My boss gave me about 45 minutes to putz around before he needed me for the show — The Tournament of Nerds (a live show he produces).  I had a few things I really wanted to buy.  One was a Kidrobot limited edition Smorkin’ Labbit.  They refuesed to sell me one of the 300 available because I wasn’t there in the morning to get a ticket.  Boooo.  BUT, when I got there at 4:30, they wre more than happy to let me fork over the cash.

Yeah, the girl in you wants the cute side. The man in you wants the robot side. We all win.

The other thing I wanted was some Marvel Mighty Muggs — which I’d have to search for at the vendor booths.  This took forever, but I eventually found a few.  Stress was rising again.

IF MEGAN HAS BEEN THERE —

She would have split from me and searched for Mighty Muggs while I bought the Kidrobot Labbit.  Then she would have gotten me water and we’d still have time to go to artists alley and check out cool art.  Also, she would have kissed me to make the other nerds jealous.  Yeah, this lady on my arm — married to her in REAL LIFE!

7 – THE SHOW

I hope my boss doesn;t read this because this was the first time I had seen Tournament of Nerds . . and it was fun.  Here’s a preview of the show:

It was also cool because I got to see what goes on behind the scene of the popular nerd improv show, hand out stickers and meet the cast.  Handing out stickers was my forte — I was like a nerdy member of Newsies.  I even got a chance to see some famous comedians perform afterwords.  Oh, and all the Batmobiles where there too . . .

Even my camera hates the Batman Forever Batmobile.

Not a Batmobile, but still cool.

IF MEGAN HAD BEEN THERE —

She would have watched the show.  She needs a break, too.

8 – THE WALKING DEAD ESCAPE

7:30pm.  I’ve been told that I need to get to the registration desk for the Walking Dead Escape one hour before my heat goes . . . yes, this is being treated like an actual athletic event.  Heats of 30 people go every 20 minutes.  As I walk around the corner of Petco Park, I am greeted by this sign:

Sorry the pics are a little blurry, but come on!  There was a zombie appocolysoe happening for crying out loud.

Here’s the course:

So, I hand over my bags and wallet and phone — it’s just going to be me vs. the Zombies.  Then I sit and listen as other waves enter the complex — to rambunctious screams.  This is going to be awesome.  Actually, I was really nervous.  Zombies are such a source of fear for me that this situation had the potential to cause an anxiety attack.  The waiting was somewhat like the first 30 seconds of a roller coaster stretched out to an hour.  You know it will be fun but your stomach kinda churns with anticipation and fear.

My favorite thing about waiting was watching all the out of shape fan boys try to stretch before the big run.  Man, fat guys stretching is really funny.  Especially because they all did the same stretch — leg behind the back stretch.  So funny.  Not one of them tried a floor stretch.  I don’t blame them.  They may have pulled a groin and had to sit out the apocalypse.

What zombies call “prime rib.”

8:40pm rolls around and my wave is herded into a FEMA safe zone by some military men — US Army.  This shit just got REEEEEEAL.

There’s a skin of zombies (Skin is my term for a group of zombies — like it?  Tough.  It’s going viral.) held behind a chain linked fence.  We think we are safe until the fence bursts open and we’re told to make a run for it.  A gate opens and there’s soldier being bitten right in front of us.  Boom – we run . . . Well, I run.  Many of our heat waddled.  I and a few others pretty much leave those stragglers in the dust.

What I quickly realize is this isn’t just a run . . . it’s an obstacle course.  Ropes, barrels, slides — this is crazy.  To make it worse, if a Zombie gets blood on you, there’s a chance that getting to the end won’t mean didley – you’re infected.  So, if you thought just making it through was fine, you were wrong.  You have to do your best to not let any zombies even touch you.  Plus, we’re all wearing monitoring anklets so they can keep track of us.

Not for the weak of heart . . . as in those who have frequent heart attacks . . . I’m saying all out of shape kids can go around.

When we go over a huge platform of ropes and climbing apparatuses we’re faced with a huge slide that ends at 4 zombies.  This is the first time I felt a surge of panic.  It’s also when I stop playing and start taking the course too seriously.  As soon as I get off the slide, I bob and weave to avoid the zombies and lose my footing.  I trip, really scraping up my knee and arm.  I’m officially bleeding.

While I run regularly, I don’t jump and climb when I run, so this is physically exhausting.  I really can’t see how out of shape fan boys can do this.  Thank god there’s FEMA stations with water at designated points along the course.

In all reality, signing wavers, while expected, I can tell was really necessary for AMC and Petco Park.  There was a lot of bare pipes and metal and wood.  By the end of the course, not only am I drenched in sweat, but I’ve skinned my arm, knee, made a huge bruise on my rib cage and I have a nice rope burn on my face.  I really can’t stop laughing in between breaths for how seriously I took the run.

Just one of many boo boos.

At the end of the run, you are scared to death by FEMA workers popping out of the safe zone to congratulate you.  Then you are ushered through a black light room to make sure no zombies got you.  Some people had plenty of hand marks on them and had to be put in quarantine.  I have no idea what that means but it was probably just a room full of Cheetos and video games.

Finally, we are rewarded with a limited edition of the comic book, The Walking Dead, Issue 100.  Only survivors (all participants who ran the course) go this little gift.  When I reach the table, I say, “That was awful!” as in, that was a harrowing experience.  I’m just joshing around with the staff.  The guy next to me says, “Yeah, I know.  What a waste of 80 bucks.  Stupid.  They can’t even give us bags and boards for the comic.  Christ.”  I just silently walked away from that gloomy gus . . .

IF MEGAN HAS BEEN THERE —

I’m not all that sure Megan would have participated . . . but of she had, I would have walked the course with her, working as a team to get her to safety.  But, she would have realized at some point how much I would want to run the course and would have insisted that I go ahead.  Not in a, “save yourself” way.  More of a, “Seriously, go.  I can tell you want to run.  Have fun.  Push over some stupid zombie actors for me,” way.

When we were done, she woul have given me her comic and bought me a beer at a bar.

The other scenario is she would have bought a “spectator” ticket, gone to the Petco bar, and waited for me to pass, cheering me on.  My wife is cool . . . Also, she would have incessantly made fun of the jack ass at the end of the course.

So, my beautiful wonderful wife — thank you for giving me a gift on your birthday.  While it would have been 10 time better with you by my side, you let me experience something you knew I always wanted to do.  Next year, we’ll go as a team . . . The WONDER TWINS!

I am form of fanboy!
I am form of going home now!