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317/365 – The Ants Go Marching
© 2012 Timmy Tamisiea. All rights reserved. Look, sweetie, breakfast?  Don't look to the right.  just eat.

317/365 – The Ants Go Marching

Let’s just say, for shits and giggles, you’ve just moved into a new apartment.  And let’s just suppose, for farts and laughs, that there’s a minor ant problem in the kitchen.  Okay?  Got it?  Now, just for poops and chuckles, you tell your landlord and he sends someone to take care of the problem.  Well, now, let’s imagine, for craps and cackles, the person they send is a migrant worker who sprays down the kitchen.  You would suppose that this person would, for squirts and smiles, use some kind of over the counter bug killer, if not some kind of professional one.  You would assume. for diarrhea and dopamine, that would be the solution to your ant problem . . . bug killer, right?


Gordon Ramsey is about to get real angry about this next part.

See, this isn’t just for plops and flops.  This is really happening . . . in our apartment.  I guess in Southern California, it’s customary to kill bugs with CLR.  Yeah, they sprayed our ant problem with a multi purpose cleaner . . . because the ants were just a little too dirty for their likes.

Calcium?  Check.  Lime?  Check.  Rust?  Check.  Ants? . . . Ants? . . . ANTS?

News flash, readers — common household cleaners do not eliminate ant infestations.  I know.  I know.  Crazy.  I mean, maybe Windex and possibly Ajax.  But CLR?  So, when I woke up this morning, Megan took me gently by the hand and said, “Hey, I want to show you something.”  She was so calm, I thought she was going to show me a pancake breakfast with sausage and eggs.  Her choice was just radiating that kind of surprise.

Look, sweetie, breakfast? Don’t look to the right. just eat.

Instead, I walk into a kitchen with hundreds of ants crawling all over the walls and counters.  I can tell you, it wasn’t our trash.  Unless ants are looking for old packing materials, I’m sure it wasn’t the trash.  Besides, we had those same trash cans in Chicago and never saw ants.

So, we spent a good half hour stamping out the lives of our little picnic dwellers.  Sorry, but precious lives or not, these little suckers are invading our space . . . and tree huggers can suck it with their, “Nature was here first,” routine.  These ants aren’t paying 1500.00 in rent.  I mean, maybe if they pitched in we’d let them stick around . . . maybe even use the xBox to watch Storage Wars on Hulu with us.

Dude, it’s HDTV! Trust me.

But they aren’t paying rent, they’re squatting.  In my world, there are no squatters rights.  Just a call to the exterminator.  And that’s what is happening.  Megan called the landlord and demanded an exterminator.  Of course, he won’t be in till tomorrow, so we have a little battle with our tiny friends till the A-Bomb comes along for some ant genocide.

Game on, ants.  Game on.


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