© 2012 Timmy Tamisiea. All rights reserved. A what?!  No!  I just want to to tease some poor guards over there.  how dare you assume I would want to do . . . that.

323/365 – Old Habits . . .

I did it again.  No, I didn’t play with your heart.  If I had done that I would have said, “Oops, I did it again.”

No, Brittany, you need two people to make that mistake.

What I did do was to allow myself to get sucked into a video game time warp.  Again.  Yeah, I know, awful.  I had all these grand schemes planned for today.  I was supposed to finish a five minute segment of my thesis for the Weisman exhibituion . . . but my editor did it for me.  Then I was supposed to finish up some house work . . . but it just seemed so boring.  Of course, there were those thank you cards I had to write, and the 3 episodes for the web series I’m developing I was supposed to write and — BLAH BLAH BLAH.

It doesn’t matter because all I did was play Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood for 4 hours.  And I wasn’t even playing the main quest.  I was attempting to get a 100% complete on the whole game by doing inane and pointless tasks. Some (me) would call them really cruel and mean tasks.  Look, I want to open the vault-o-pathetic and let you non-gamers know how the video game industry gets us “completion whores” to play and play and play . . . and play till one day we wake up and the world has just vanished.

No it’s not! I still have like 400 achievement points to earn and then it’s near.

Here are a few of the “tasks” I have to do to get 100% completion.

 JUMPING ONTO A BEAM.

I don’t ask you why you choose to shit in the street and not a toilet, so stop asking why I keep jumping onto a beam.

Yes.  Yes, you did read that right.  Well, I mean, I’m supposed to jump from a horse to a post and swing around it, but hey, let’s not be nit-picky here.  I’m jumping from a digital horse onto a digital wooden beam . . . and I have to do it 20 times to get completion.  This has nothing to do with the narrative of the game.  This would never effect the outcome or the cut scenes.  It’s just me, a horse and a beam . . . doing it for hours because it has to be perfect to count.  If I was one of the NPC (non-playable characters) in this game, I would have called the white coats asap.  Back and forth for an hour just jumping onto a post from a horse.  It’s maddening.

 

SENDING COURTESANS TO DISTRACT GUARDS

A what?! No! I just want to to tease some poor guards over there. how dare you assume I would want to do . . . that.

You know, fuck that.  Let’s just call a spade a spade here.  I’m, sending whores to use the prospect of sex to lure guards away from their posts.  I mean, these guys are just doing their job for the Borgias.  You know, working stiffs just policing the area, and I have to send a bunch of hookers to tease and tantalize them . . . 10 times.  Maybe these guys have families.  Maybe they’ve never had the company of a woman.  Who knows.  All I know is I have to blue ball a bunch of guards to get completion.

SENDING THIEVES TO TAUNT GUARDS

You guys are the thieves? Sorry. I thought you were hipsters.

Again, earning 100% completion on this game really involves just being a big jerk.  Before, I was taunting these men’s libedos with Roman whores.  Now, I’m sending a bunch of hooligans to pick on them — call them names, shove them — anything to just invoke a chase, making them leave their posts.  And I have to do this 10 times.  I mean, the job satisfaction rate for a Roman Borgias Guard must be really low.  The staff psychaiatrist must have her hands full with deep depression issues that plague the staff.

GETTING A 5-KILL STREAK

I mean, three kills is enough, right?

This sounds like a gang initiation.  Well, in some ways, it is.  I mean, I could have gotten this achievement — Dear God, it’s considered an achievement to kill 5 people in a row . . . 10 times.  Anyway, I could have gotten this during the main game, but it’s really hard.  Yet, again, to get this means I have to disrupt the loves if some poor guards just doing their jobs.  I need to attack them or provoke them to attack me and then mayhem ensues.  I just have t perform an “execution” strike and then keep highlighting other attackers for instant kills without being hit myself.  I must have spent at least an hour on this.  Sadistic?  Yes.  Necessary . . . shut up.  Completion!

DESTROYING SCAFFOLDING

You may think you’re all tall and sturdy now, but wait till I throw a guard into you. The who will have the last laugh? Huh!?

Will Rogers once said, “New York will be a great city when it’s finished.”  He was being facetious about how much the city is always changing.  The same could be said about Renaissance Rome, except it’ll never be finished because I have to keep destroying scaffolding to get 100% completion.  What’s worse is that I have to topple these engineering marvels by throwing – yes, you guessed it – guards into them.  Now I’m just being a dick.  I have to physically throw a guard into a scaffolding?  Why don’t I also choke them with blue prints or shove their heads into drying cement.  Hell, I might as well pee on their grave when I’m done . . . why isn’t that part of the 100% completion rate?

STEALING HORSES

No, mommy! I don’t want my horse! I want THAT horse!

Listen, when a cop checks out his cruiser and goes on patrol, the last thing he needs is to have it stollen by some thug.  Beyond getting chewed out by a superior, it’s just embarrassing.  He’ll be known as Car Trouble Frank or 10-45 Frank (code for a stolen car) or just pain ol’ dumb ass.  His career is probably on it’s way down the short path to retirement.  Well, me being a 18th century jerk, I have to do this to 5 guards.  Yep, steal their horse and take off.  What a massive F-you that is to the guy who’s just doing his rounds.  He gets the stocks, I get a 100% completion.

 

DIVE

Tell you what, birdie, you jump first and then I’ll know it’s safe.

Yes.  Dive.  25 meters to be exact.  While this is not an extensive task that takes up a lot of time, it feels really stupid.

 

RUN

On your marks . . . get set . . .

Again.  I have to run.  300 meters uninterrupted.  This is like getting applause for waking up.  “Good job buddy, you’re sleep cycle wore out and you naturally opened your eyes.  Here’s a cookie.

 

Here’s the thing, this is a SMALL sample of the inane tasks that game makers insert into gameplay so that you’ll keep playing.  Smart people skip them.  Obsessive gamers don’t . . . I wish I was smart.

 

One Comment

  1. Posted 22 Aug ’12 at 2:56 pm | Permalink

    ugh, i remember Assassin’s Creed II as the game that broke me from wanting to 100% things. I got every amor/weapon set and renovated my entire village and bought every renaissance painting, but it wouldn’t mean anything unless I collected every last one of the 100 randomly placed barely visible Eagle Feathers spread throughout the entire game map. I got to, like, 15, before taking a long painful look in the mirror.

    I’ll also always remember the time my college roommates & I unlocked the “achievement” in Smash Bros Brawl of playing for over ten straight hours. That was a pretty painful thing to see flash across the screen, but I think it unlocked a new stage for us, so… every cloud.

Post a Comment

Your email is never published nor shared.

You may use these HTML tags and attributes <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>