© 2012 Timmy Tamisiea. All rights reserved. Samantha!  I'm over here!  LOOK AT ME WHEN I"M TALKING TO YOU!

339/365 – 5 Fashion Trends That Need to Die

If there’s one thing I really enjoy about living and working in the comedy world is this complete lack of pretentiousness.  Others would say we comedians are just out of sync with the times and trends.  I’d say we are comfortable being ourselves, lacking the need to to follow trends because we enjoy our frumpy selves.

Isn’t that right, Zach?

All the writers here at Conan wear t-shirts, frumpy hair and generally look like dudes who just woke up and decided to do some shit.  Some funny shit.  It’s my kind of environment.  I mean, they’re not slobs, they’re just really casual.  It’s been that way with most of the comedy people I know.  However, it’s easy to notice the comedy folks here in LA because in they occupy the same space as the “fashionistas.”  That very term makes me want to drive a spike into my groin just to forget for a few minutes.

Oooohhh. I’m probably the blonde one . . . or the ethnically non-descript one.  OR ALL OF THEM! Eeeeeeeee!

And these fashion hungry, “hip” scenesters aren’t limited to os Angeles zip codes.  They’re everywhere – Chicago, New York . . . Des Monies?  In any case, there are some trends that have survived the fashion cycles for way too long and they need to be murdered . . . Like the kind of murder where a seasoned cop turns away from the crime scene, holds his mouth and says, “In all my years . . . “

1) UGGS

Or as smart people call them, bacteria birthers.

When I see these furry boots, I expect to see an accompanying parka, hat, gloves and blistering snow piling up by the inch.  Instead, I see no socks, bare legs, some funky sun dress and an over abundance of cool kid attitude.  For crying out loud, these boots are so ugly that they they have to be utilitarian.  Yet, every day I see people in 80 degree weather hopping around like they’re some kind of drug filled Pocahontas dream.  I can only imagine what they smell like when they’re sitting on the 500 dollar doggie mat that Princess uses to wipe it’s ass.  Answer, smelly feet.  They smell like smelly feet because the temperature differential between the inside and outside of those stink masters has to be about 15-20 degrees.  Oh, the things people will do for fashion.

2) SUNGLASSES

Samantha! I’m over here! LOOK AT ME WHEN I”M TALKING TO YOU!

This isn’t a condemnation of all sunglasses.  I’m actually a little jealous of those who can wear them.  Because of my vision, I’d have to buy prescription sunglasses, and let’s face it — those sucker are expensive.  It would be either sunglasses or my regular glasses and if I chose sunglasses than I’d be committing the following offense . . .  One that needs to be strangled to death: wearing your sunglasses ALL THE TIME.

Listen, cool people — dudes and dudettes whose fashion sense far outweighs mine — I understand that these days, sunglasses fulfill a fashion niche much more than a utilitarian niche.  Great.  You look hot in your 500 dollar sunglasses.  Great.  You’re sexy.  Awesome!  But guess what, sexy guy.  When you wear your sunglasses on the subway, there’s only three things that run through my mind:

A) You’re looking where you shouldn’t.

B) You have something to hide.

C) You’re untrustworthy.

That’s it. I would add your sleeping, but this isn’t a zany 80s sitcom.  I don’t think you’re cool.  I think you’re a creepy creepster whose creeping on the rest of the train.  It’s worse if you’re a woman, because when you wear your sunglasses inside, you’re very unapproachable.  And maybe that’s what you want.  If that’s the case, then good for you.  Wear away.  But I don’t want to hear you complain about how no one will buy you a drink in a bar when you’re wearing your sunglasses.

Especially, ladies, when you wear —

3) THOSE HUGE, BULBOUS, FLY EYED D&G SUNGLASSES

Yes, ladies, you know exactly what I’m talking about.  Those GIGANTIC sunglasses that cover half your head.  Yeah, I’m talking to you, you Bono wanna be.  The world isn’t big enough for more than one ego-inflated, Irish rocker — take off your sunglasses and enjoy life in color.  Those glasses mark you as a spoiled, rich brat.  Sorry, but they do.  They don’t scream, cool, or approachable or nice — they’re pretty much tag you as a Real Housewife of whatever metropolitan area you want to be from.

4) YEAR ROUND WINTER HATS

Oh, poor Zach. The 70 degree weather must be numbing his fragile ears. Kind of like High School Musical numbed mine.

Do you see a pattern here.  Where as in the midwest, winter clothing is considered a necessity, in Los Angeles it’s considered a fashion trend.  I can not tell you how many douche bags I’ve seen in this city wearing hats designed to keep your head warm in 90 degree weather.  Seriously.  It’s a concept I can not wrap my head around.  Is there a hipster only species of lice and these hats stop from spreading?  Do these scenesters have some kind of head specific temperature problem?  It’s baffles me because my whole life, winter hats were there to keep me from DIEING.  They don’t help me sip my cappuccino or write sad lyrics or look soulful.  If I didn’t wear a winter hat, I got SICK.  In the spring, it was packed away in the attic till next winter . . . where most Hollywood stars should be placed as well.

5. MIDDLE EASTERN SCARFS

Thank God you’re here. We need a translator – you obviously speak Arabic, right?

Oh, you live in LA and not the Sahara?  Then what the hell are you wearing that scarf for?  I don’t know what else to call these things.  They seem to be made from light fabric and have what I would call a middle Eastern design.  I think people who wear scarfs in the non-winter months call them “summer scarfs.”  I think hipsters call them essential.   Again, it seems as if wearing a scarf in the summer, no matter how light it is, would be a pre-requisite for ring around the collar.  It’s just plain dumb.  As with all these fashion “trends”, the “summer scarf” is just another clue for the masses of who is and isn’t a complete douche bag.

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